The genesis of an old and crazy man's recap of the 2010 Arrowhead...

Duluth contingency does NOT disappoint at Arrowhead 135...DBD member Buffington sets new and lofty standard on 29er ....DBD member, Kershaw breaks Single Speed Record...Reed breaks ski record....All the Duluthians conduct themselves with honor sans Farrow....who limps into the finish-line resembling a reduced, aging mollusk (with but just a couple functioning toes and one semi-functioning lung)...Stay tuned for a candid "Tell-all" account of the underbelly of winter endurance racing...

The Arrowhead 135 did not disappoint!!!!

Congratulations to all the finishers…and special kudos to my DBD team members--Dave Pramann, Jason Buffington, and Jeremy Kershaw…Pramann’s effort elevates him to Maestro status within the annals of Winter Cycling achievements. The Two Alaskans were fast, tough, and perhaps just as important top-notch fellows...

A fully embellished recount to follow in few dayz….

We just lost a GREAT ONE!!!

Good luck to all the racers at this upcoming Arrowhead 135!!!

Dear Friends, Sponsors, Supporters, Colleagues, Teammates, Rivals, Detractors, Debtors:

It is with bittersweet, conflicting emotions that I submit to you this heartfelt public communiqué. The fact of the matter is that I will not be competing in the Arrowhead 135 this coming Monday for I have decided that I need to spend more time with my family. This decision represents hours of serious consults and heart searching, thus my decision is final and irrevocable. After having consulted my pastor, my rabbi, my yogi, my astrologer, my medicinal marijuana distributor, and my personal team of pharmacists, I have come to the realization that I am needed here at home. At home where my family, those of whom acknowledge me as their relative, need me to be here in old Duluth from here on out ‘til the end of my dayz…We plan to wile away the time playing monopoly, building model airplanes, watching The View and Dr. Phil, and enjoying old Alfred Hitchcock films in the evenings for the rest of my short time left here on earth. These fine people, my family, have assured me that I will be able to stay home for as long as my faculties remain reasonably intact, I am able to dress myself, and submit a monthly paycheck. I know that the love in their hearts supersedes the legal documents that I was compelled to sign in the presence of their attorney…

Of course there will be the inevitable critics that will add speculative fire to the rumors that I am bailing from this Arrowhead because of the very real possibility that I will get destroyed by the breath and depth of the competition. There are others that will claim that I am staying home because I have grown fat, unwieldy, and thus incapable of piloting my cumbersome clown-bike. Then there will be those that promote the vicious rumors of divisiveness and even schism within the very core of the DBD.

Let me assure you that all of these rumors are unfounded and I wish all the best to the hundred-plus competitors at this upcoming Arrowhead…

I will be watching from the comfort of my humble abode surrounded by those that love me so dearly and unconditionally.

Obsequiously and with love in my heart,

Charlie

The Arrowhead 135: A “How to Win” Guide for the aging, slightly confused, and under-trained cyclist.

Part II: During the actual event:

Disclaimer: The following tactical suggestions will only work if the veteran cyclist has followed all of the recommendations stipulated in Part I (the pre-race section).

• Number #1 rule—Cheat at every opportunity. You are old and feeble and the rest of them are young enough (or fit enough) to be your sons…So cheat!!! Itz your only chance…plus the pros (and the Wall Streeters) all cheat!!!!
• Number #2 rule—Never, ever lead out, but also never lose contact with the lead group. Do what ever it takes to slow the pace of the lead pack.
• Number #3 rule: Every twenty to thirty minutes scream at the top of your lungs, “Pierre Pierre, Tous les autres trichent!!!”
• Number #4 rule: Make sure to have laid the groundwork (including slurred speech, erratic behaviors, and jerky hand and leg gestures) during the pre-race warm-up. You want the youthful ones well aware of your advanced age and propensity for dementia. That way you cannot be held liable for any transgressions. Have a fake memo affixed to your lapel that sez something like, “If lost, please return to Duluth, MN.”
• Number #5 rule: At the start area accidentally “stumble” onto the spokes of one of the favorite’s rear wheel.
• Number #6 rule: Once the gun goes off; Shamelessly pull off the leaders...try for about fourth position and don’t move.
• Number #7 rule: Early on feign heart attack to slow pace of the group and swerve into a top rider, try for the spokes of his bike.
• Number #8 rule: About ninety minutes into it, feign stroke to slow pace of the group. Again try to hit a top rider’s spokes.
• Number #9 rule: Encourage any and all misunderstandings/rumors regarding route finding. If leaders take wrong turn, feign diverticulitis and let them ride on without you. Wait for first chase group and ride in fourth position. Do not lead, only draft.
• Number #10 rule: Continue to reassure the non-snow bike community that the trail will hardened up and greatly improve at any minute…
• Number #11 rule: Two hours into it, feign snow-blindness to slow pace of the group.
• Number #12 rule: Continually and publicly promote the notion that Andre’s fancy-pants Ti Clown-bike has a crack in the BB weld.
• Number #13 rule: Cry crocodile tears when trail turns to mash potatoes and the non-snow bike community implodes and degenerates into violent anarchy. Ravage and/or loot any useful supplies from this doomed community.
• Number #14 rule: Three hours into it, feign incontinence to slow pace of group.
• Number #15 rule: Steal rear red-blinkers from Pramann’s bike at a tactically appropriate moment. Try to do so before the first check-in at the Gateway store.
• Number #16 rule: If #15 is successful, at the Gateway check-in demand Pramann’s disqualification due to lack of adequate rear blinker on bike; a clear violation of race rules. Bring AH Rule Book to bolster your argument for DQ.
• Number #17 rule: Feign severe depression to group over Pramann’s disqualification, try to slow pace by swerving into leader’s spokes.
• Number #18 rule: If number #15 rule fails, attempt at half-way cabin check-in. Note: Attempt to steal all lights from rival's bikes while others are in the half-way cabin.
• Number #19 rule: Attempt to get group to pause and dismount in a minute of reverence for the fallen Pramann. While rivals’ heads are bowed attempt to dismantle/sabotage lead rider’s rear derailleur.
• Number #20 rule: Apply frequently for divine intervention. Pray for others to experience catastrophic equipment failures.
• Number #21 rule: Attempt to confuse Lindsay at every opportunity.
• Number #22 rule: Frequently, after the half-way point, feign concern over rivals’ frost bit facial features. “Dear Sir, your nose is ghastly white…I fear that you are in the advanced stages of frost bite. Is continuing worth permanent mutilation and disfigurement?”
• Number #23 rule: Reinforce the idea that the wolf packs seek out and attack fast moving solo riders. Encourage bivouac at Tee Pee.
• Number #24 rule: At the finish line within ear-shot of the throngs of fans, scream with all your might, “Pierre Pierre, Tous les autres trichent!!!”

How to WIN at the Arrowhead 135

Back by popular demand with new and improved tips that will make your Arrowhead 135 experience one that you shall never, ever forget…

Arrowhead 135 to-do list (Part I): Pre-race considerations-

• Plan out hairdo. Experiment with cut, style, and color but without commitment. Commit two weeks out to allow for mellowing of color (be careful of too much gray cover-up).
• Practice with meaning, conviction, and desperation: “Pierre, je me gèle!”
• Bikini wax. It hurts but itz worth it...
• Consider lumbar and endoscopic thoracic sympathectomies (cuts down on sweaty feet and hands resulting in warmer appendages). Check for good deals; what with it being the Great Depression and all…cosmetic docs will work with you…
• Suck up to the snowmobile volunteers at pre-race meeting. Offer whiskey and cigs, bring the cheap generic stuff...
• Have remaining toes, pinkies, and privates removed (remember to insulate catheter)
• Order boutonnieres for Cheryl, Pierre, and the Gear Nazi.
• Bring extra duct tape and hits of Sudafed.
• Wear extra extra large Carhartt Men’s Extremes® Coverall / Arctic Quilt-Lined bibs, sure they weigh a little more than those skippy fancy-pants that the posers all buy “online” from Craft, but these bad boyz hold up no matter what the conditions. For real men only.
• Check with Lance Andre (not Armstrong) about the reliability and price of The Original Whizzinator.
• Attend support group for cyclists repeatedly beaten by Dave Praman.
• Attend support group for those that survived a stay in the Tee pee.
• For the camelbak, add one shot of quality Irish whiskey to each liter of water (make that two shots of quality Irish whiskey added to each pint of water).
• Bring salty wieners and sour-kraut for a shot at Gear Nazi appeasement.
• Shave legs, pluck eye brows, have upper lip waxed. Pluck hair from back mole. Clip ear and nose hair.
• Make sure all major sponsor logos are prominently displayed during pre and post race press conferences.
• Have breath-fresheners at the ready during the awards ceremony for when the beautiful podium girls divvy out the kisses…
• Load up on E.P.O. and that stuff that Mennonite guy used to win the Tour a few years back...
• Ask for drug testing of top runner and skier as it calls attention away from the bikers. Plant a few hits of EPO in Maxwell's ski bag.
• Make hair, nails, and makeup appointments (ask for discount on nails as few nails remain on hands and none on feet). Go with a bright, cheerful color.
• If Blue Shield/Blue Cross will pay for it, go for the removal of all that heavy gray matter except the primitive or instinctual part of the brain. The amygdala, the primitive part of the brain, responsible for gut reactions, including fear and aggressive behaviors, versus areas like the frontal cortex, which develops later and helps us control our emotions and cognition. So get rid of all of it ‘cept that amygdala thingy, saves weight and makes the race seems “normal.” Check around for the best deal.
• Whiten remaining teeth for that perfect Arrowhead smile. Bring ample breath-fresheners on-trail in case of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
• Repeat practice with meaning, conviction, and desperation: “Pierre, je me gèle!”
• Check on cost of quick “tummy tuck” (abdominoplasty), again maybe cheaper than ya think. Go with the psuedo-testosterone injections or try for new patch...take double the recommended dose...
• Add a smidgen of vodka to the hammer gel flask (make that— add a smidge of hammer gel to the vodka flask).
• Go tanning, no lines…
• Practice victory celebration, stay conservative and yet convey jubilation. Practice snubbing the boyz from Rochester.
• Start vicious and scandalous rumors about both Dave Gray’s and Dave Praman’s past. The juicier the better, try to include accusations involving public restrooms at the Minneapolis airport and/or association with terrorists.
• Start vicious and scandalous rumors about the Alaskans…use the word “jihadists.” Start rumors about Terry Brannick and how he has never been photographed with Bernie Madoff.
• Pick up prom dress. Go ahead and try it on! Go provocative, yet with highlights of enigmatic innocence. Show a little skin…especially at the pre-race festivities. You may need to get alterations so be prepared to spend a little cash for that perfect fit.
• Arrive to the pre-race meeting in style and make everyone (especially those goofy runners) green with envy. Treat rivals with feigned sincerity. Make a big deal about Lance’s Ti machine, etc.
• Suck up to the Alaskans, especially the veteran Oatkley. Comment on his obvious intellect. Attempt to confuse the younger Bassinger...give false information about starting time, etc. Hide Gauld's false teeth. Hide Pramann's meds.
• Don’t forget to practice with meaning, conviction, and desperation: “Pierre, je me gèle!”
• Use only high-end Scandinavian sounding brand-name clothing during interactions with rivals, but when race starts be clad in full-on Carhartt
• Bring birth control.
• Practice North Dakota dialect, things like “you betcha.”
• Adjust living will to donate any important frozen organs or limbs to the Cryogenics department at the University of Minnesota. Have wife insist on a plaque in return.
• Under no circumstances…repeat…Do not agree to drug testing.
• Practice poise, modesty, and humility in victory.
• Remember to hold bicycle over head in victory, stay calm as podium girls kiss cheek.
• Bring Cheryl and Pierre day-old baguettes from Great Harvest (day-olds are cheap and they will never know the difference).
• Practice bitterness, excuse-making, and victimization in defeat. Retain Lawyer in the event of defeat.
• Blame defeat on equipment and the race organizers and dopers.

Stay tuned to Part II...During the race....

A dress rehearsal in anticipation of this winter season's GRAND BALL!!!

“We sat and drank with the sun on our shoulders and felt like free men. Hell, we could have been tarring the roof of one of our own houses. We were the lords of all creation. As for Andy - he spent that break hunkered in the shade, a strange little smile on his face, watching us drink his beer.” Red

Jason Buffington and I embarked on a full-on "dress rehearsal" in preparation for the Big Dance (less than two weeks away) on Saturday night thru Sunday morning. Perhaps a bit lost, unexpectedly we came upon a parcel of unexplored terra-firma in the form of an alder swamp west-southeast of old Duluth during the early morning hours of last Sunday (1/17/2010). I claimed with solemn dignity, Jason Buffington as my witness, that henceforth and forever more these immediate lands shall be under the sovereign dominion of the DBD. As I made the proclamation a solitary tear of pride leaked upon my stalwart cheek. Thankfully Buffington did not notice...We then took our repose for a few hours while enjoying with majestic relish an artfully crafted ale brewed by the good doctor that tasted to the author like nectar of the gods. We chased the magical fermented barley elixir with a shot of aged Colorado whiskey and buoyed our resolve by ingesting numerous hot dogs of the finest quality, grilled over a wonderful fire (again thanks to Buffington's tenacity for the wood was wet and at that point the author only wanted to drink)... And we felt like free men...We were the lords of all creation...

Arrowhead 135 here we come!!!!