Thursday, April 29, 2010

A not-so-Beautiful Mind

Dearest George,
Below is a copy of a significantly abridged version of a troublesome rant pertaining in part to some kind of irrational, long distance bike race that was recently delivered to me by one of your member's man-servant. If you have the time please read it as it may assist you in dealing with your man’s obviously fragile psyche. In my estimation it screams Oedipus complex and a host of other abnormal psychological disorders. The good news is that I doubt that your man is a danger to himself or others, but perhaps you should keep him indoors for a few days and indulge him with a bit of quality brandy (warmed is best)...Also of note, he has apparently, of late, been seen aimlessly wondering the hills of old Duluth singing, in erratic fashion, a classic Clash tune. I am afraid if you require a more in depth diagnosis, I will be forced to charge you my regular fee.
All my best,
Sigmund


Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
if I go there will be trouble
and if I stay it will be double
so come on and let me know

The indecisions bugging me
if you don't want me set me free
Exactly who I'm supposed to be
Don't you know which clothes even fits me?
Come on and let me know
Should I cool it or should I blow


To Whom It May Concern (or to those unconcerned, as well):

This cathartic essay, I think, is about the Weather Factor and how it can act as a catalyst for subsequent group indecisiveness, which in turn can culminate into generalized doubt, which then often can lead to personal loathing and the role this devolutionary chain-reaction played in a bike race of which I recently played a minor part...All names, except that of the author's, have been changed to protect the innocent. Consequently, any and all references to characters in this essay are fictitious; if one or more are able to be construed as to refer to actual figures in history, and/or Trans-Iowa participants this should be understood to be simply the workings of pure coincidence or chance.

The adage, “be careful about what you hope for," hit me square between the eyes in this year's Trans-Iowa as I stared back at myself whilst ensconced inside a tiny bathroom within a gas station in a little farming village somewhere in Iowa after 130 or so miles of riding my bicycle in the wind, rain, and mud.

Tough, cold, and slow conditions, was a recipe that I figured was my best chance for a top five finish. Being from Old Duluth I had steeled myself, with long training rides accompanied by my DBD brethren, against the cold and the wind and the rain, plus I had the gear to "weather" all but the most lethal of Iowa's Spring arsenal, so on the eve of the event when tough, slow conditions became an obvious reality, I secretly smiled and made a mental note to pack some extra clothing, affix a rear fender, and to wear sensitive cologne so as to not repel the beautiful podium girls as they planted the customary kisses upon my manly and chiseled, albeit muddied cheeks at the post-race festivities...

As an average cyclist (even on my best dayz) plagued with constant delusional dreams of placing high up, I often pray for bad weather to occur during a big race because I know from years of experience that it can level or “reduce” the playing the field and thus it’s participant’s abilities as well. Just think of Hitler’s disastrous foray into ill-equipped and poor Russia, or Stalin’s ill-conceived invasion of tiny Finland...Classic examples of how the weather-factor played to smaller and less endowed armies. Horrific weather in both of the above examples reduced the “game “to one that could be “managed” by the patriots of lesser-gods by slowing down their overwhelmingly more powerful invaders. Furthermore, with bad weather comes indecision and with indecision comes doubt...Now letz further explore this notion of the possible relationship between the weather-factor and doubt...

Clausewitz, the Prussian veteran of the Napoleonic Wars and who in later life penned, On War, argued that in “the commencement of war”, the worse the conditions the better, because the worse is nearer to “true” rather than “real” war. But alas, he opined “true war,” is only a concept from which to aspire; a war fought solely and purely for lofty, righteous aims such as “liberty and justice for all”— in such a war there would inherently exist a matching between the forces of goodness pitted against the forces of evil; It's the same thing in cycling, when an idealistic rider exclaims, “I ride only for myself and the purity of the experience.” Yet such a war is unattainable because, as Clausewitz maintained, the “reality” of war is that the endeavor is inevitably influenced by those humanly flawed and intangible factors of “chance, misunderstanding, greed, incapacity, incompetence, failure of will or collapse of consensus”, and of course doubt— as well as geography, history and weather and many other variables. Presumably throw in some natural intangible factors or “conditions” like rain, wind, soft terrain, then mix in some human frailties, and things can get real “real” in short order...thus is the absurdity of war...and to a much more benign degree, the absurdity of bike racing on gravel in Iowa in Spring-time with a bunch of crazies.

Accordingly, if I am reading Clausewitz correctly, the only way to hold a “true” bike race would be to do so in a manner that would eliminate any and all intangible factors, which of course is impossible. Presumably as the degree to which intangible factors increase so does the likelihood that a less than deserving person can achieve podium status. The same may be said in war, but of course the ramifications are much more dire and devastating in war, perhaps warring parties should be made to race bicycles instead; the world would be a much better place...In any event, the conclusion is ironclad: the needs of the impure are met or favored with the onset of bad weather to the detriment of the uncorrupted...this is a good thing for guyz like me, but as alluded to above, intangible factors including weather, can also lead to doubt...and doubt is an impartial factor that can affect both the good and the bad...Lotz of famous good people have been enveloped in doubt...and same with the infamous...so it goes...and of course, there was lotz of doubt floating around Checkpoint 2...

Doubt is our modern crown of thorns,” wrote T.E. Lawrence in Seven Pillars of Wisdom; while Carnegie concurred with his observation that “inaction breeds doubt and fear...” Doubt afflicts both the righteous and the aberrant cyclist especially when one mixes in the weather factor. So as stated repeatedly above, when I read the forecasts for this Trans-Iowa I was encouraged...because, as also stated above, the prospect of a really slow and arduous course played to my advantage for I am not a fast rider, I am certainly not a righteous racer, but I can ride slow for a long time without stopping as my nerve-endings are all shot...but what I did not count on was that the weather would be so bad as to actually force both the good and the bad to contemplate the possibility of an early exit strategy...


The Time-constraint Factor further complicates the fighting of a “true” war and the same dictum applies to the running of a “true” race. Of course, in “reality” time-constraints are normally relatively easy to determine when compared to other ‘intangibles”, but alas history is full of examples of wildly inaccurate estimations related to how long a particular campaign shall take to complete. Just look at our own devastating Civil War as a case-in-point. Most of the generals on both sides figured that, “Mr. Lincoln's War” would last no longer than a few months tops. I, too, felt that the time given to the riders to complete the Trans-Iowa was so generous that it was not worthy of serious notice. In other words, I knew from past experience that a guy could even stop and nap along the way and still have plenty of time to make the checkpoints in sufficient time. Never, ever did I think that in a Trans-Iowa, time would be of the essence. Never did I consider that time (or the lack thereof) would sound the death knell for my compatriots and me...That time would be the deciding “factor.”

So it was not the weather, it was not geography, it was not greed, or rancor, or incompetence, nor was it doubt that defeated us so soundly on the battlefields of Iowa... Surprisingly, it was the lack of TIME...I am tired now, and the bell is about to ring...Sorry, I am out of time! Help me....

Monday, April 26, 2010

Check out the Jason Buffington's and Tim Ek's recent posts..

If you want to know what last weekend was like in Iowa...
http://buffduluth.blogspot.com/
http://timekchronicles.blogspot.com/

A fully inaccurate race report to follow in a few dayz...but know that the indifferent cosmic forces of WIND, RAIN, and especially Terra-infirma won the day... No one came remotely close to finishing it, but I am certain that I represent the feelings of all of the participants when I submit that we all came away thankful for the deep personal camaraderie that developed amongst our little groups of core riders that collectively battled against, but ultimately lost to our great rival...namely, the Backroads of Iowa!!!

It is true, the Gravel Demons won this battle in decisive fashion, but the war is not yet won nor lost...Fear NOT citizenry!!! For The DBD and The Slender Fungus contingents shall be prominently included within the brave ranks of the righteous soldiers to fight again with valor and commitment in one year's time upon the battlefields of IOWA...

A heartfelt thank you to G-Ted, D.P. and all the other generous and wonderful support staff...

Thursday, April 22, 2010

It appears that many non-cyclists are also heading to central Iowa for the weekend!


Look for Dark Angels to seek out and confront forlorn cyclists as they intersect whilst crossing the barrens of Iowa...Beware the night-time for with darkness comes self-doubt of mission and purpose!!!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I'm back in the saddle...


I’m back in the game!!!...Got the bloody #%&$*&% yard raked and thusly earned the “thumbs up” from the benevolent, supportive, loving family leadership!!!

Although I pay a heavy price as this damned race is gonna cost me big-time for the powers-that-be are talking full-on summer landscaping projects, including a retaining wall!!! In the heat of the moment, I agreed, and so I am good to go...
I am also faced with a hard truth: The full extent of a Man’s degree of love for cycling is measured proportionally by his willingness to commit to yard work...

But I cannot think about mundane yard work right now....I need to pack for Iowa!!! Look for the author to provide wisdom, compassion, and empathy to the group as they fly across the back roads of America’s “fertile crescent.”
In exchange, the author will shamelessly draft off the youthful ones...
I dedicate my effort in this year’s Trans-Iowa to an elder statesman of the sport; namely David Pramann. Pramann has entered his Golden Years now and will be watching the epic drama in Iowa unfold from a restful quiet place... Rumors from his "new home" are that he is quite the cribbage player!!!

Grinnell, Iowa and Guitar Ted—Here I come....:) Note: I shall arrive with the good doctor on Friday afternoon...I will be the shorter one endowed with the boyish physique and the General McChrystal good looks...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

What I use on my lawn...no short-cuts!


This E-series Dura-Ace titanium/carbon-fiber rake was conceptually conceived in the USA using super glitzy and sophisticated computer graphics; it was specifically designed in India and manufactured/assembled by adult-looking pre-adolescents in China for high speed, competitive raking...raking things like leaves, grass, and dirt off of your precious lawn. (Note: All of Shimano's assemblers are afforded up to 14 hours of relaxed bunk time during the seven day work week.)

The lawn rake comes with a 6 week manufacturer’s guarantee. Itz part of the new XTR Armstrong e-series range for 2010, from Shimano.

The rake has a large soft-feel handle, to allow for a comfortable 2-handed grip. Instead of the industry standard of 20 blades, the E-series delivers 30 carbon blades.

The rake has a lightweight titanium shaft, with an angled carbon-fiber handle, making it the lightest rake on the planet. It is so light that its use has been banned in all of France and on most UCI-sanctioned European lawns.

The mirror polished titanium head makes the lawn rake super light and also means there is minimal soil adhesion. BLING BLING BLING...Making this rake the lightest rake in the history of the world...


It you are wondering about what this rake costs, then you either cannot afford it or you don’t deserve it!!!

Monday, April 19, 2010

I will NOT be competing in this Weekend's Trans-Iowa for I will be doing MORE IMPORTANT TASKS!


Please Remember Me to the ones that go there... for I will not be traveling down to Iowa for this weekend’s Trans-Iowa. Give G-Ted my best; he is a good man, a fine citizen, and a visionary to be sure, but I have finally grown up and begun to realize what is really important in life and bike racing is NOT on my list of priorities. I am NOT getting any younger, my dayz are numbered, I'm in the fourth quarter, living out my final chapter, approaching the final curtain call...

Hence, when a family man of honor lays within his death bed, he does not look up and in his last breath exclaim to his beloved, I wish I would have done just one more Trans-Iowa.” However, such a man in the grip of his death knell may conclude, to his loving mourners, “Alas!, I go too soon, the lawn needs a good raking!”

Like Rocky Balboa in Rocky V, I may have lost “the eye of the tiger,” but I have found love and affection right here amongst my people, my community, my tribe...There are people here that love me dearly, need me so, and I need them, as well... The thought of trying to ride my bike 317 miles across the wet, stormy barrens of Iowa is untenable when held up against all that I have right here in grand-old Duluth. In truth I have so many things to do right here in old Duluth—People NEED ME here in Duluth...Here I am appreciated, it is here where my lawn is...

The fact is that I must stay home, for people here in the Northland love me, need me, and I also need them...I need them to know that I care, that they are more important than some silly bike race across Iowan farm country...People who need people are the luckiest people in the world. ....My family needs me...My kitty needs his tummy scratched! My gecko, Pablo, needs his skin peeled...The yard needs a raking, then to be re-raked, and then maybe some more raking. My little one needs a daddy that will stay home and play dollies w/her, my wife needs a MAN that can help with aerating the soil (and raking), me Amish neighbors need help raising a barn, my students need me to assist with prom/graduation celebrations, my Tea-Party friends need help constructing fortifications, my libertarian friends need help with the hemp harvest, my Militia friends need help with building a munitions cache, my brewer buddies need help with consuming their spring Eisbock...


And furthermore, it would be irresponsible to not stay and help my Neo-Conservative friends with their effort to get Newt Gingrich back in the game. Michelle and Sarah need help with crafting new Obama put-downs, My governor needs me to help with placing the Ten Commandments back in the local court houses, I need to help the nice Lake Superior Hiking group track down and arrest the rogue equestrians and bikers, My PETA friends need help liberating the locally caged chicken community, my gangsta friends need help with graffiti, I need to lend a helping hand to my elder gambling buddies with hauling quarters to the local Casino. My friends at Spirit Mountain need help with deforesting the COGGS trails, my federal government buddies need lots of help with taking-over the health care system, breaking into citizens houses to steal their guns, giving away our nuclear weapons to the Russians, and in general “socializing” everything...
so I will be plenty busy...Raking is number one on my list!


Note: Keep an eye on Lance Andre and Jason Buffington...they may surprise the heavy hitters...In any event, Good Luck to all the racers and a big thank you to the race volunteers...

All day Saturday, I’ll be raking my yard and loving every minute of it! The only thing I like better than yard work is mowing the lawn...I love to mow my lawn!!!


I feel a great sense of relief and peace-of-mind...Ari, if you are reading this...it is NOT too late!!! Repent...

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Ragnarok 105 did not disappoint...

A letter to Shackleton

Dearest Ernest:
I hope all is well on the Karakoram or is it the Wendell Sea? Nude, but for a silk club-embroidered loincloth, in reflective repose, buoyed by a chalice filled with the House’s special cognac & Cuban cigar, comfortable before the hearth at the luxurious DBD headquarters, as my man-servant dutifully shaves and massages me aged legs, I hearken back to last Saturday’s gravel rode race...Twain’s description of the area gives cathartic fire from which to begin my muse...


“You'll find scenery between here and St. Paul that can give the Hudson River points. You'll have the Queen's Bluff--seven hundred feet high, and just as imposing a spectacle as you can find anywheres; and Trempeleau Island, which isn't like any other island in America, I believe, for it is a gigantic mountain, with precipitous sides, and is full of Indian traditions, and used to be full of rattlesnakes; if you catch the sun just right there, you will have a picture that will stay with you. And above Winona you'll have lovely prairies; and then come the Thousand Islands, too beautiful for anything; green? why you never saw foliage so green, nor packed so thick; it's like a thousand plush cushions afloat on a looking-glass-- when the water 's still; and then the monstrous bluffs on both sides of the river--ragged, rugged, dark-complected--just the frame that's wanted; you always want a strong frame, you know, to throw up the nice points of a delicate picture and make them stand out.” Mark Twain on the area around Red Wing, Minnesota circa 1880s

The Ragnarok 105 did NOT disappoint...This event represents everything I love about bike racing: Foremost, itz a scenic course; snaking through much of the beautiful Mississippi bluff country past intimate trout streams and picturesque farmsteads complete with rustic old red barns.

The length and breadth is challenging and worthwhile, unlike the ninety minute domestically groomed affairs that have come to dominate the local MNSCS and WORS “officially” sanctioned USCF races. Plus the terrain is varied with many hills, fast curvy descents, punctuated with long high-paced level sections. My favorite segment, which comes shortly after the fifty-five mile check-point, is a long, heavily forested, but easy dirt-trail ascent up the side of what the locals refer to as a “coulee.”

The distance (105 miles) and the timing also afford one the “real-life” opportunity to essentially partake in an abridged dress rehearsal for the enduro-classic Trans-Iowa that commences in less than two weeks.


It demands an amazingly generous entry fee from itz participants ($0.00) — a fee structure reflective of a grassroots movement that is gaining momentum across this great country of ours. Of course, the Kings of High Finance, Unfettered Capitalism and the American Way, no doubt, condemn this movement as nothing less than a precursor to “socialized bike racing”, but from my lowly, proletarian vantage point, it represents the very best thing to happen to our sport since the invention of the Pugsley, but I digress...

The overriding reason why I adore this event is the pleasure it gives me to intermingle with the wonderful throngs of cycling enthusiasts that it attracts. From the top notch race directors and volunteers to the riders that represent an assemblage of solid amicable fellows, not unlike those of that escorted you on your legendary boat trip to South Georgia so many years ago!!!

Thus, for exposure to the attributes mentioned above (plus many other reasons, as well) many came to Red Wing to race their bicycles. Amongst this throng are a fun group of the usual suspects that tend to frequent many of these longer more unorthodox events and of whom I have come to call my friends. Included (but NOT limited to) are the following: Chris Skogen, Josh Peterson, Jason Novak, Dan Dittmer, Jeremy Kershaw, Dave Pramann, Rich Hendricks, Jim Palmer, Joe Meiser, Charlie Tri, and Tim Ek...

Marxists or worse, as some claim, I think not... Whether willing or even duplicitous participants or simple unsuspecting quarry, Chris Skogen and Jeremy Kershaw are said (by informed AM Talk Radio experts) to be leading forces, at the local level, behind Obama’s sinister, albeit covert plot to socialize all aspects of life in these United States and while I am personally and morally opposed to (even sickened by) such anti-American tenets as providing access to affordable health-care to the poor (or even to the middle-class for that matter), I must admit that I reject our Tea Party patriots’ contention that an Obama administration take over of cycling is imminent. The fact is that I have come to wholly embrace these young men’s vision of long gravel road races organized by racers of whom are motivated by the sheer love of pure cycling competition. Skogen is the architect of the resoundingly successful Almanzo 100, while Kershaw is the maestro of the Heck of the North. From the looks of it, Skogen must have gotten lost on Saturday’s race but I am sure that his love of the game was unaffected. In contrast, Kershaw, a good friend and training partner of mine, did very well finishing high up overall and in second place within the tough SS division and is certainly keyed up to have a great effort at the inaugural Trans-Wisconsin. Bravo Jeremy Kershaw!

Josh Peterson is the epitome of the Blue-Collar, “letz roll up the sleeves and get to work”, endurance cyclist. He is tough, competent, and fun...He was outfitted last Saturday for a full day out with his Salsa Fargo all loaded up. His aim was to do a test-run in anticipation of June’s 550 mile Trans-Wisconsin. As mentioned above both Jeremy and I are aiming for that one too...should provide plenty of good writing material.

Like Peterson, Jason Novak approached the Ragnarok from the perspective of a dress rehearsal/shake down for the bigger more complicated upcoming races; in his case, the Trans-Iowa on a single-speed. I have known Jason since the early mid 1980s when he was a varsity trackster and I was a coach at our alma mater, Rochester John Marshall. Look for Jason to earn a high finish in Iowa.


I don’t know Dan Dittmer that well, but I can tell you that he is a leader of men! He won the Salsa sponsored 24 Hours @ Afton Alps last year and he scored a very impressive fifth place at this year’s Arrowhead 135. We had a nice conversation in the early part of the Ragnarok and I look forward to riding with him in several upcoming events.

Dave Pramann, Rich Hendricks, Jim Palmer are all very old men. But they are wise as well and great competitors. Pramann, in my world is the best snow-bike racer in history, showed up on his beloved Pugsley and rode it in such a manner that he was the talk of the race at the conclusion. I heard several riders comment on his incredibly fast descents atop his 70 mm rims. I make no secret that I think Pramann is one of the greatest cyclist in Minnesota.

Rich Hendricks, while new to the game of gravel road racing, is incredibly fit and once he gains some experience, will be a force at the front in these races. It is noteworthy that he is an invaluable component of our off-season DBD training sessions in which he is always pushing the pace, especially on the hills. Eki won the King of the Mountain competition in this year’s race in large part because of Rich’s relentless attacks during our long winter training rides. Inevitably on every training ride, as we approached a big hill, Rich would stand and deliver, Eki would respond in kind, whilst the rest of us would just let them go and marvel at their tenacity...The crew from Duluth are all better cyclists because of Rich’s amazing endurance. Rich finished strong in the Ragnarok with the first chase group which included Pramann and also Jim Palmer.

Jim Palmer would have been in the lead group had he not experienced a flat. Even though this is a long race (six hours+) the pace is such that if you get a mechanical if is very difficult to catch back up. Palmer is a great guy and I look forward to seeing again soon as both of us are fired up for the Almanzo 100, which commences in mid May.

Most everybody that showed up to race this thing knew that the favorites would have to be Charly Tri, Joe Meiser, and Duluth’s very own Tim Ek. Tri won the Ragnarok last year going away and destroyed the field at the Levis-Trow 100, Meiser won the Trans-Iowa and had a stellar performance in the 2000+ mile Great Divide Tour race, while Eki took second overall in the 12 Hours WEMS series and was a close second to Joe in the Trans-Iowa. Meiser is a great endurance rider and a fine amicable fellow as well. Like Skogen and Kershaw, he has joined the movement at the leadership level to offer free (and novel, amazing, and creative, etc...) endurance races to the masses. In a stroke of genius, he has set forth the Trans-Wisconsin for our cycling pleasure, a 550 mile south to north trans-state mountain bike race course that stokes the fire within the manly loins of any and all Midwestern enduro-freaks. I am so fired up about it that as I write, I am having trouble ingesting my sherry, squirming about causing my man-servant to draw blood... Joe Meiser will be one of the men to watch in ten dayz time...He is a big ole boy festooned with bulging muscles, a perfect physique for shameless opportunists like the author to duck down behind and live in the slipstream. He would have served you well, Ernest, on the trek to Elephant Island.

So it was no wonder that there was a collective gasp in the lead group of seven when Joe flatted before the half-way checkpoint. As soon as he was out, the pace relaxed and everyone sort of wondered what to do. Tri is a bright and funny youth, also strong and fast, so he knew that he could win it, if it came to a roadiesque sprint-like finish, thus for him an easy pace played well to his strengths. The new fellas; Sean Mailen, Ryan Horkey, and John Struchynski (note: Sean & Ryan are comrades of Joe @ Salsa, & Sean will be in Iowa), were new to this specific game and so they too were seemingly content to wait and see. My good friend, confidant, and highly motivated training partner, Tim Ek is poised for a break-out season. Eki is the kind of man that would follow you to ends of the earth and never loose his grit or his humor. But, Eki, having already won the KOM title, too was content to ride at a pace that was fast enough to keep the chase groups out and Joe at bay, but not fast enough to attempt to drop anybody in the existing group. Eki knew, as I did too (that rhymes!), that if he could push Tri on the last big hill and maybe get a gap...he may have enough left in the tank to beat Tri to the finish. So the only guy that had a different take on what tactic to employ was the guy that was too fat to climb well and too old to match a sprint finish scenario, especially one involving a big hill. Guess who that was? I knew that if it came down to racing up the last hill and then sprinting into the finish that I would NOT be in contention... So it goes... As you well know, Ernest, sometimes a man needs to re-reevaluate and look forward to a brighter tomorrow...Perhaps, I shall exact my revenge on the dark back-roads of Iowa ten dayz henceforth!!! Yet again great competition awaits me. Mesier, Ek, Tri, and a host of five or six others are all heading down to Iowa for the 320 Mile Grand Spring Formal...One, or two, or all three of the above will surely be in running for the win...My plan can only be to hope to hitch a ride and see if I can stow-away for at least part of the run?


In any event...here is what happened in one run-on sentence: Joe Meiser flats, pace slows, old guy tries a couple of forlorn attacks before the final scene, all of which are repeatedly repelled by the group, last hill appears with just a few miles to go, pace increases, Tri’s young&powerful legs take off, Eki hesitates and then responds with great power and tenacity oh his own, nearly catches Tri, but Tri holds off the attack and wins...

Please forgive me Ernest, but I must conclude this write-up for my slightly embellished tea grows lukewarm, my cigar stale, and I am wanted for a promised game of billiards with an old, cranky, and slightly drunk Mallory...We think of you often...Bravo and stiff upper lip old chap, you’ll be back at the Club in just a few years hence...

Cheers and Godspeed...
C

Monday, April 5, 2010

Move over Carbon BOY!!!!!


Pictured is my secret weapon for the upcoming Spring Gravel Classics. Aging and whimsical, but wily and steely fast. Devoid of glitz, but trustworthy and dependable. Strangely attractive, yet coarsely enigmatic and even hypnotic as well. Genetically and mechanically sound, but alas...like us all, has seen better dayz....Loathsome, exquisite, forbidden, indecipherable, taboo, repulsive, exciting, naughty, arcane, amicable, lovely, grim and yet one cannot look away...

Friday, April 2, 2010

Please stay home from the Trans-Iowa....Please!!! Stay home and LIVE!!!

If you are under the age of forty please keep reading this piece. If you are past this milestone, go away and move on to some other website as what I have to convey has no relevance to you. I can do nothing for you. Perhaps if you have some extra change laying about, you could contribute some funds to the Dave Pramann Dementia Fund for Mentally and Physically Crippled Aged Cyclists...

This is a difficult subject, the kind of thing that no one likes to deal with, a taboo of sorts within the cycling world, but I can no longer sit back and allow young, promising people to destroy their lives. If you are under the age of forty, you still have time to save yourself. Simply, if you are a young person, stay home from the Trans-Iowa and/or the like. Although the entrenched liberally-biased mass media moguls have done all within their massive and far-reaching power structure (as the monopolistic gatekeepers-of-knowledge) to suppress the evidence, there exists undeniable evidence that riding on ones bicycle for upwards of twenty-five, thirty, even forty hours on gravel farm roads leads to permanent damage to both ones psychological and physiological health. Including, but not limited to, the following side-effects:


Death, pain worse than death, damage to the bone marrow, decrease in blood cell counts, leucopenia, fever, sore throat, drunkiness, new cough or shortness of breath, nasal congestion (stuffy nose), echolichia, burning during urination, shaking chills, redness, swelling, pain, and warmth at the site of the saddle, anemia, extreme tiredness, pallor or paleness of the skin and mucous membranes (like the mouth and gums), dizziness, headaches, irritability, shortness of breath, womanizing, especially with exertion, penile dysfunction, penile loss, penile gain, low blood pressure, a rise in heart rate or breathing rate (or both), blood loss, blood gain, hypotension, loss of love for beer, hypertension, heat exhaustion, hypothermia, dementia, thin blood, plagiarism, high blood pressure, fainting, feigning, tendencies to attack mimes, Oedipus complexes, spontaneous births, thrombocytopenia, bruise easily, uncontrollable swearing, bleed longer than usual after minor cuts or scrapes have bleeding gums or nose bleeds develop petechiae (small reddish-purple spots on your skin) have headaches have visible blood in stool or urine, loathing and anger directed at Joe Meiser, have serious internal bleeding if the platelet count is very low bruise easily bleed longer than usual after minor cuts or scrapes have bleeding gums or nose bleeds develop petechiae (small reddish-purple spots on your skin) have headaches have visible blood in stool or urine have serious internal bleeding if the platelet count is very low, nausea and vomiting, nausea and vomiting, delayed gastric emptying, hatred for Eki, diarrhea, cemetery fixations, inappropriate dreams related to farmers' daughters, inflammation of the small intestine, retching, anger at farmers, sweating, light-headedness, dizziness, increased salivation, and weakness. It can lead to retching, vomiting, or both. Swearing, more swearing, Anticipatory vomiting, hair loss, hair gain, loss of tattoos, spontaneous tattoos, anticipatory tattoos, Anorexia, obesity, anger, more anger, monkey butt syndrome, either a dislike for or an increased desire for sweet foods dislike of foods with bitter tastes, dislike of roadies, dislike of Specialized Bikes, dislike of Hed wheelsets, Stomatitis, constipation, a love of Russian poetry, heart damage, divorce, remarriage, reduction in IQ, puffiness, bloated feeling, anger at single-speeders, nervous system changes, spontaneous tears, atheism, religious conversions, stiff neck headache nausea and vomiting, shrinking of the brain, numbness, tingling, decreased sensation, pain, love for Dave Pramann, a devotion to G-Ted, love of pain, dementia, loss of teeth due to ingestion of gravel, nocturnal emissions, death...to name just a few....