I will NOT be competing in this Weekend's Trans-Iowa for I will be doing MORE IMPORTANT TASKS!

Please Remember Me to the ones that go there... for I will not be traveling down to Iowa for this weekend’s Trans-Iowa. Give G-Ted my best; he is a good man, a fine citizen, and a visionary to be sure, but I have finally grown up and begun to realize what is really important in life and bike racing is NOT on my list of priorities. I am NOT getting any younger, my dayz are numbered, I'm in the fourth quarter, living out my final chapter, approaching the final curtain call...

Hence, when a family man of honor lays within his death bed, he does not look up and in his last breath exclaim to his beloved, “I wish I would have done just one more Trans-Iowa.” However, such a man in the grip of his death knell may conclude, to his loving mourners, “Alas!, I go too soon, the lawn needs a good raking!”

Like Rocky Balboa in Rocky V, I may have lost “the eye of the tiger,” but I have found love and affection right here amongst my people, my community, my tribe...There are people here that love me dearly, need me so, and I need them, as well... The thought of trying to ride my bike 317 miles across the wet, stormy barrens of Iowa is untenable when held up against all that I have right here in grand-old Duluth. In truth I have so many things to do right here in old Duluth—People NEED ME here in Duluth...Here I am appreciated, it is here where my lawn is...

The fact is that I must stay home, for people here in the Northland love me, need me, and I also need them...I need them to know that I care, that they are more important than some silly bike race across Iowan farm country...People who need people are the luckiest people in the world. ....My family needs me...My kitty needs his tummy scratched! My gecko, Pablo, needs his skin peeled...The yard needs a raking, then to be re-raked, and then maybe some more raking. My little one needs a daddy that will stay home and play dollies w/her, my wife needs a MAN that can help with aerating the soil (and raking), me Amish neighbors need help raising a barn, my students need me to assist with prom/graduation celebrations, my Tea-Party friends need help constructing fortifications, my libertarian friends need help with the hemp harvest, my Militia friends need help with building a munitions cache, my brewer buddies need help with consuming their spring Eisbock...

And furthermore, it would be irresponsible to not stay and help my Neo-Conservative friends with their effort to get Newt Gingrich back in the game. Michelle and Sarah need help with crafting new Obama put-downs, My governor needs me to help with placing the Ten Commandments back in the local court houses, I need to help the nice Lake Superior Hiking group track down and arrest the rogue equestrians and bikers, My PETA friends need help liberating the locally caged chicken community, my gangsta friends need help with graffiti, I need to lend a helping hand to my elder gambling buddies with hauling quarters to the local Casino. My friends at Spirit Mountain need help with deforesting the COGGS trails, my federal government buddies need lots of help with taking-over the health care system, breaking into citizens houses to steal their guns, giving away our nuclear weapons to the Russians, and in general “socializing” everything...
so I will be plenty busy...Raking is number one on my list!

Note: Keep an eye on Lance Andre and Jason Buffington...they may surprise the heavy hitters...In any event, Good Luck to all the racers and a big thank you to the race volunteers...

All day Saturday, I’ll be raking my yard and loving every minute of it! The only thing I like better than yard work is mowing the lawn...I love to mow my lawn!!!

I feel a great sense of relief and peace-of-mind...Ari, if you are reading this...it is NOT too late!!! Repent...