Please stay home from the Trans-Iowa....Please!!! Stay home and LIVE!!!

If you are under the age of forty please keep reading this piece. If you are past this milestone, go away and move on to some other website as what I have to convey has no relevance to you. I can do nothing for you. Perhaps if you have some extra change laying about, you could contribute some funds to the Dave Pramann Dementia Fund for Mentally and Physically Crippled Aged Cyclists...

This is a difficult subject, the kind of thing that no one likes to deal with, a taboo of sorts within the cycling world, but I can no longer sit back and allow young, promising people to destroy their lives. If you are under the age of forty, you still have time to save yourself. Simply, if you are a young person, stay home from the Trans-Iowa and/or the like. Although the entrenched liberally-biased mass media moguls have done all within their massive and far-reaching power structure (as the monopolistic gatekeepers-of-knowledge) to suppress the evidence, there exists undeniable evidence that riding on ones bicycle for upwards of twenty-five, thirty, even forty hours on gravel farm roads leads to permanent damage to both ones psychological and physiological health. Including, but not limited to, the following side-effects:

Death, pain worse than death, damage to the bone marrow, decrease in blood cell counts, leucopenia, fever, sore throat, drunkiness, new cough or shortness of breath, nasal congestion (stuffy nose), echolichia, burning during urination, shaking chills, redness, swelling, pain, and warmth at the site of the saddle, anemia, extreme tiredness, pallor or paleness of the skin and mucous membranes (like the mouth and gums), dizziness, headaches, irritability, shortness of breath, womanizing, especially with exertion, penile dysfunction, penile loss, penile gain, low blood pressure, a rise in heart rate or breathing rate (or both), blood loss, blood gain, hypotension, loss of love for beer, hypertension, heat exhaustion, hypothermia, dementia, thin blood, plagiarism, high blood pressure, fainting, feigning, tendencies to attack mimes, Oedipus complexes, spontaneous births, thrombocytopenia, bruise easily, uncontrollable swearing, bleed longer than usual after minor cuts or scrapes have bleeding gums or nose bleeds develop petechiae (small reddish-purple spots on your skin) have headaches have visible blood in stool or urine, loathing and anger directed at Joe Meiser, have serious internal bleeding if the platelet count is very low bruise easily bleed longer than usual after minor cuts or scrapes have bleeding gums or nose bleeds develop petechiae (small reddish-purple spots on your skin) have headaches have visible blood in stool or urine have serious internal bleeding if the platelet count is very low, nausea and vomiting, nausea and vomiting, delayed gastric emptying, hatred for Eki, diarrhea, cemetery fixations, inappropriate dreams related to farmers' daughters, inflammation of the small intestine, retching, anger at farmers, sweating, light-headedness, dizziness, increased salivation, and weakness. It can lead to retching, vomiting, or both. Swearing, more swearing, Anticipatory vomiting, hair loss, hair gain, loss of tattoos, spontaneous tattoos, anticipatory tattoos, Anorexia, obesity, anger, more anger, monkey butt syndrome, either a dislike for or an increased desire for sweet foods dislike of foods with bitter tastes, dislike of roadies, dislike of Specialized Bikes, dislike of Hed wheelsets, Stomatitis, constipation, a love of Russian poetry, heart damage, divorce, remarriage, reduction in IQ, puffiness, bloated feeling, anger at single-speeders, nervous system changes, spontaneous tears, atheism, religious conversions, stiff neck headache nausea and vomiting, shrinking of the brain, numbness, tingling, decreased sensation, pain, love for Dave Pramann, a devotion to G-Ted, love of pain, dementia, loss of teeth due to ingestion of gravel, nocturnal emissions, death...to name just a few....