Is there serious trouble at the DBD? —An exclusive interview with Earnest Shackleton, the second in command at the DBD…

In what can only be surmised as a calculated effort to head off the advent of potentially damaging media coverage of what has been described by many pundits as a “disastrous month” for the prestigious, albeit secretive, even cryptic, DBD Adventure Club, Sir Earnest Shackleton, second in command @ the DBD, has agreed to sit for an unprecedented interview session (even though suffering from snow blindness, exacerbated by his untimely death). The interview was held at the majestic DBD Smoking- Room within the fabled Kitchi Gummee Club situated in old Duluth. Note: Shackleton insisted that he speak in a rare Highland Sherpa dialect, so much of the interview involved an interpreter (of Shackleton’s choosing). Also, while Mallory was indeed in attendance, he refused to answer any and all questions, but he freely imbibed, with disconcerting gusto, upon the generous stocks of aged whiskey and other hand crafted libations.

Interviewer: Sir Earnest Shackelton is there indeed a schism developing within the DBD?

Shackleton: Please call me “Ernie.” Do you mind if I smoke my pipe? Please feel free to do like wise. Can I have my Man-servant get you anything? A little brandy perhaps?

Interviewer: Are the rumors true? Sir Shackleton, is there serious internal divisiveness within the DBD?

Shackleton: Please call me “Ernie.” Would you care for a bit of pickled caribou?

Interviewer: Ernie, are the rumors true?

Shackleton: We are not unaware of the public perception that there is currently a degree of tumult within the club. But you must remember that we are a group of unrestrained individuals that do not hide disapproval or discontent, even when other club members are involved. When Hillary and Tensing stepped onto the summit of Everest, Mallory and his boyz cried foul due to the use of bottled oxygen by the 1953 team. When Amundsen ate his dogs, Scott’s crew was quick to criticize. When Tilman sank his beloved Mischief in the chilly waters off Norway, Slocum openly snickered. When Eki left Farrow for dead during the Trans-Iowa V, Mallory went on a drunken binge and broke a bottle of Remy Cointreau cognac over a pro-Eki club member’s head in this very room. These spats are nothing new, they happen from time to time, and they always resolve themselves in fact I find the whole matter rather invigorating.

Interviewer: Our sources indicate that The New York Explorers Club recently leaked to the New York Times that Mallory had gone completely berserk upon news of the Heck of the North debacle, yet out of fear for their personal safety, the powers-that-be at the NYT opted to not publish the leak. Can you shed some light onto this?…Is this true; is the DBD involved in some kind of extortion or cover-up?

Shackleton: It would be inaccurate to convey to you that our group has never ever engaged in active disagreement with the New York Explorer Club. We acknowledge that our people in the American colonies have, of late, had a tough time of it. But let me remind you that Eki has done something like ten enduro-cycling events this year, something like 140 hours of racing (an amazing number), so of course the hinge factor will swing against him from time to time. Eki has done the club proud with his efforts at the Trans-Iowa and his work at the WEMS races. We are not uninformed as to Farrow’s propensity for erratic behavior, but the same can be said of both Dr. Cook and Mawson, who upon maturing with age (and untimely deaths) have become model club members.

Interviewer: What do you make of the young up-starts, Kershaw and Buffington? Buffington has gone on record as comparing the DBD with a “Barney Fun Club for the Aged.” And Kershaw has raised eyebrows with his implied tendencies to reject conventional religion for the occult with his attack on the religious affiliation of the recipients of Farrow’s heroism during that recent fire rescue.

Shackleton: It would be to mislead to deny that we know nothing of these two young men. Of course Buffington’s comment was simply a manifestation of his frustration in learning of the long road ahead, should he pursue his dream of being chosen. We cannot confirm nor deny that Kershaw’s effort to craft a DBD-like cycling event within the barrens of the Northern reaches of America met with approval. Perhaps some among us felt that it was too short, while others may have conceded that it was a great expression of distaste for the direction most cycling events are heading within the colonies. But as you are no doubt aware, entry into the club nowadays requires one to have met with an untimely, albeit honorable death or to be grandfathered in by those few among us that are still among the living. To answer your question: Yes. We know of them, we know of Buffington’s impressive effort at the recent WEMS event at the Thunderdown where he rode to an overall second place finish on a single-speed. And we know that he was in the lead going into the final lap; he could have won and next time he will win. We were privy to Kershaw’s effort at last February’s Arrowhead 135 where he skied the arduous route in impressive fashion. A feat that is not easily achieved and has thus defeated many solid men. As to his supposed tendencies towards supernatural phenomena, who cares! Is he a Devil Worshipper? It matters not for again we accept all, or nearly all, as long as the fellow is tough-as-nails! Itz none of our business! Let me take a moment to convey to your readership that the DBD is proud of itz efforts at maintaining diversity within our ranks. Henson, Norgay, London, Vonnegut, Prince Luigi Amedeo of Savoy-Aosta, Dylan, Crazy Horse, and Uemura are all life-time and post life-time members and we pride ourselves on complete tolerance of any and all belief systems (sans fascism, alcohol & caffeine abstainers, serious people, and the like). If someday Kershaw would be asked to join he would clearly fit in well with the group regardless of his spiritual leanings.

Interviewer: What is ahead for the group?

Shackleton: We intend to have a presence at this upcoming weekend's final WEMS event at La Crosse. The club shall also be represented at the classic Arrowhead 135 as well as the two upstarts, the Tuscobia and the Northshore Ultra. Oh my! Look what time it is? Sorry, I need to get a move on as Mallory and I due to have tea with the Queen Mum…Cheerio…I hope this helps to quell any rumors…all is well...no worries...

HOLY COW...

Ben Koenig from Wisconsin....Third place @ Moab 24 hour Championships....Most Impressive...Where has he been hiding?...He is just a 21 year old KID!!!! Amazing...I wonder how he could afford it? Great JOB...so impressive...BRAVO

24 Hours @ Moab

Good luck to all the millionaires as they compete for the United States Cycling Org. endorsed MTB National Championships for 24 Hours...held in Moab, Utah this coming weekend...I'd love to do the 24 Hr National Championships again someday as it is a cool thing to line up next to the best( I assume their people pay the exorbitant expenses), but I fear that the accountants are now in charge of National Cycling Events in this country... (I did it the two times, when it was at 9 Mile @ a tiny fraction of what it now costs). No way would I ever pay that kind of money to do a 24 hour MTB loop race, maybe if it was one of the Alaskan Classics or a stage race up in Canada. The day before and the day after, a guy can ride that same course for $0.00, but on the day of the event, to race @ Moab, it costs something like $350+ entry fee, $60 for the United States Cycling License (it may be more), plus they charge you to camp, etc. etc. etc.,....So it would cost a guy from the Midwest close to $1000 to race in it, may be even more than that!!!! ...NO WAY, NO WAY...even if I could afford it, there is no way. The whole thing reeks of shameless opportunistic greed... In any event, Good luck to Charly Tri, if he can ride at his potential he will be right up there in the top five!!!!

Thanking Jeremy Kershaw, his beautiful family, and all the other great volunteers!!! The Heck of the North was a resounding success!!!

“I felt like I was in the middle of some kind of a senior citizens convention, Farrow kept wanting the group to stop so he could take yet another leak and all of his old cronies in the back row were egging him on telling him to ride up to the front and stop the race and then all these other old guyz were comparing bikes bragging about like ’yeah this bike is from 1976’ and then they were all complaining about having weak bladders and colonoscopies and cancers and bad eyes and sore knees, and bad kids, it was all very strange.” J. Ross Fraboni.

Regardless of the youthful Fraboni’s take on the Heck of the North and while it is true that the peleton was well represented by the elder statesmen of the sport, the race was won fair and square by three youthful albeit delightfully amicable characters. The overall title went to a fine young local family man, Shawn Gort (in an impressive time of 5 hours and 43 minutes) whilst the prestigious title of fastest man on a single speed went to a young unassuming fellow from Madison, Wisconsin named Matt Braun (thatz the same Braun that finished in fourth place, with his brother, at this spring’s 300+ mile Trans-Iowa) and the fastest female of the day went to Kristin Riching. While I did not have the pleasure of meeting Ms. Riching, I heard nothing but great things about her. Letz work to get more women racing next year!

Todd McFadden (Duluth resident and simply one of the best mountain bike racers in the Midwest for the last decade or more) and Tim Andrew (a fine all round athlete from Duluth) followed closely into the finish on Gort’s wheel. The top ten also included Mike Dietzman ( a fast fast rider from Ely and getting faster), David Lugwigson (classic rival of Pramann for decades...think Lance and Ulrich, but not really), Chris Shotz (perennial winner of the Hard-Core WEMS series) , Ross Fraboni (multi-faceted rider—can do it all), Jim Palmer (strong rider from Rochester, that keeps getting faster), and Dave Pramann (thatz the same Pramann that tied for 2nd place with Eki at this spring’s Trans-Iowa—the race by which all other gravel road races are measured and the same Pramann that has ridden the Arrowhead 135 four times and in two record setting times, of which no one has come within four or five hours of touching!!!). So you can see that it was a group of seasoned and very talented riders.

Apart from those mentioned above there are several others that bear mention, as well, for noteworthy performances including; Rich Hendricks who last raced his bicycle in 1986 and yet placed third in the single speed category and is now primed for a go at winter racing. Chris Skogen (of the masterful Almanzo 100) at 210 lbs looked exceptionally strong; Hansi Johnson not far off the front group looked like he had been out for a ride in the park at the finish; while Dean Gies, Mike Weispfenning, Mick Dodds, Matt Evingson and Scott Totten-Hall, all venerable fixtures here in town representing the very best about cycling in Duluth, Minnesota, all finished and all with smiles on their faces. Dave Simmon (good friend of the author, Arrowhead 135, Dirty Kanza 200, and Red Ass 300 finisher), finished well even though he has a new baby to think about. Josh Peterson, (a full on Suffer-Fest professional and stalwart gravel road and mtb racer with a pendent for grave suffering at the annual Arrowhead135) finished well and also was the creator of the wonderful trophies. A special thank you to JOSH PETERSON... And another special kudo to Jason Buffington for his TOP-NOTCH post party...complete with most excellent hand crafted brews....

In all seriousness or as much as I can muster, I do believe that had Old Lady Luck swung a different way on that Saturday both Tim Ek and Jason Buffington would have been right there in the hunt for one of Josh’s elegant trophies…so it goes…."The hinge factor" must never be undervalued, especially in endurance cycling, no one knows where or who old lady Luck will decide to strike…the key is to stay in the game…and to take the good with the bad...and drink lots of good beer no matter how the hinge swings, but I digress.......

The fact of the matter is that if the truth be known the older fellas agreed to sit back and let the youth of the Northland have their day in the sun, but that will not be the case at next year’s Heck of the North!!!!!!!!!!!! Again many thanks to Jeremy Kershaw...What a great gift you have given to Duluth Cycling...

Disclaimer: If I left anyone out that I personally hang-out with or was especially inaccurate in my descriptions, please forgive me for I have grown old and forgetful, I suffer from a multitude of maladies, my kids have all gone bad and they never call, my eyes are going bad, and I am due for yet another colon check and I can't go for more than fifteen minutes without having to go the bathroom. I've got one foot in the grave and the other has that funky stuff on me toe-nails....On behalf of Rich Hendricks and myself, we would like to personally thank the young fella on the Salsa 29er that saved us on the malicious attack initiated by that Fraboni kid leading into the first ATV/Snowmobile section...the author

Special report

EKI MISSING, FARROW PERSON OF INTEREST
Associated Press Special Report:

Reports surfaced late Sunday afternoon that one of the Northland's most endearing treasures has gone missing, Sir Eki of enduro-cycling fame. A frantic call was placed to the Duluth Police Department by new inductee to the prestigious, albeit highly secretive DBD Adventure Club, Eki's wife Amy. She stated that he disappeared out of their modest Piedmont Heights abode shortly after she witnessed him reading an email placed by Farrow, a rogue local cyclist of suspect character. Heck of the North Race Director, Jeremy Kershaw via telephone after the inaugural event was held, in which both Eki and Farrow were knocked out of the competition, commented. "We were all saddened and disappointed when word spread that Eki was knocked out of the race due to an unforeseen catastrophic mechanical failure. He was riding so strong and seemed to be a player in controlling the pace of the super strong break away group." However, Kershaw did not feel that way with Farrow's DNF. "I'm however most disappointed with Farrow. He (Farrow) continues to confound us as he throws around DBD guidelines based on his own whims. Apparently, he left the course with an operable bike in order to ride home. We can't figure out why he DQ'd himself, why didn't he just ride out the course? This is clearly in violation of DBD contractual agreements," stated an obviously upset Kershaw.

Authorities confiscated the computer Eki was last seen using, it was there that an I.T. staff were able to recover a partial email (encrypted) sent by Farrow, clearly encouraging Eki to end it all in some kind of cultish suicide pact involving a roguish group calling itself "The DBD." It seems that Farrow's DBD group may be in fact a splinter group or reflective of a schism that has occured within the famous DBD Adventure Club. Contents of this email included false quotes from the famous Sir George Mallory instructing Eki to end his shame and to "do the right thing.” Amy was inconsolable as she was lead away from her home for a short stay in Miller Dwan's Mental Health Unit. She was reportedly heard to be screaming obscenities about Farrow and how she wouldn't quit until the truth was known. Neighbors stated that it reminded them of Angelina Jolie in the block buster Changeling.

Here is what is currently known: At approximately 4 a.m. Monday, September 28th, a black Specialized Tri Cross with Ritchy Speedmax tires was found without a chain near Grain Elevator #5 located in the Duluth harbor area. The bike was positively identified by those close to Eki as the machine that lead him to several top finishes throughout the 2009 season. There was no evidence of foul play and authorities suspect that the athlete may have left the shoreline under his own recognizance.

Mallory, contacted via telegraph at DBD headquarters somewhere in the Himalaya, had this to say; "We at DBD wish nothing but the best for his wife and are honored to have her with us now. Also, we will spin the prayer wheels daily until our beloved Eki returns home to us. It is our hope that he simply hopped on a Great Lakes vessel and will be discovered shortly as a deck hand on the GOTT. Or maybe turn up here on the Tibetan Plateau for a brief respite and a bit of scotch and a good pipe smoke. As for Farrow, I guess I should have known. He has consistently disappointed us and we at headquarters have not ruled out foul play. This act will haunt Farrow for the rest of his days, he cut Eki's rope, we can't forgive him for that, this time he has gone too far. We suspect that that Buffington character may also be involved as he had a grudge against EKI as well."

Duluth Police chief commented that this investigation remains open and ongoing. "We are currently dragging the Duluth harbor and any news on Farrow's whereabouts would be greatly appreciated. We will not rest until Eki is back on his bike and his good name is re-established among the DBD'ers. Long live Sir Eki."
Note: AP was not able to substantiate the authenticity of the Mallory communiqué or the claim that Ms. Ek has been named as a member of the DBD Club.

Blues are bluer, rain feels wetter...I live...

I survived the fall and am fully reinstated after review of circumstances surrounding my disqualification @ Heck... Heck of the North: full race report to follow in near future...S. Gort WINS w/ McFadden on the hunt 'til the bitter end...Pramann in his early 80's still a force...Jason Buffington with DNF brings shame onto all of North-Central Minnesota, yet seeks redemption with top notch brews...Eki DNFs, accepts ride from a big hearted tender woman, defies DBD mandate, and is thrown out of club. Currently he is M.I.A. Kershaw poised to earn DBD patch?...Due to effort in Heck, Rich wins sponsorship from AARP...J. Ross is censured due to leading front group astray in final lead-up to Seven Bridges...All this and much more in a few dayz...I am a bit sore from the fall off of Enger Tower

Dear Mallory and other esteemed members of the DBD Honor Council:

Before I throw myself off the Enger Tower for acts of dishonor @ the Heck of the North in accordance with proper DBD protocol [next to my name on the results sheet is the unforgivable abbreviation “DQed”], let it be known that at least I held on to a semblance of dignity on that fateful day, in that unlike the “other member" that too joined the ranks of the “unwashed DNF rabble,” but exponentially compounded his sin by accepting a ride, I rode in under my own power. I guess at this point all that I can hope for is that "he" who perpetrated this even more despicable act of dishonor shall follow my example and fling himself off his own cliff and/or tower of his choosing.

I stand here now on the Enger’s precipice having chosen it as a symbolic and fitting end to a very nice ride. It has been a good ride and I owe much to the DBD. Of course, I had hoped that the end would come much in the manner or circumstance as it did for my mentors and club leaders. Mallory went on the great slopes of mighty Everest, Tilman on the tempestuous Atlantic somewhere in the northern latitudes, Shackleton and Scott amid the majesty of the polar reaches, while both Hillary and Mawson lived well into their old ages after having lived long lives of great adventure. But as Vonnegut is fond of saying as he chain-smokes in the billiards room of the club house, “so it goes.”

So fare-the-well and continue to support Jeremy Kershaw and his amazing new addition to the grass roots gravel-road racing phenomenon that is soooo good for cycling here in the Midwest. Instruct the body snatchers to leave me well enough alone, I deserve to be crow food...especially after missing Jason's Heck of the North post party...

Best regards,

C