“In response to an overwhelming outpouring of support and encouragement from ‘Main-streets’ all across America, I am at this time announcing my candidacy for the TOP SPOT at the 2009 Arrowhead 135!”
Monday, October 20th came and went; the financial markets continued in a downward spiral, the presidential front runners with great sincerity warned us of their opponent’s disastrous tax proposals, and the bighearted oil cartel continued to drop the prices at the pumps to allow the masses an unbridled Christmas spending spree at Wal Mart— So my official announcement regarding my intention to pursue a well constructed and thoroughly planned-out campaign to win the Arrowhead 135 come February 2009 largely went unheralded. The lack of mainstream press coverage is not surprising given their Hollywood elitist liberal bias and their connections to the NRA and the evangelical right. The fact of the matter is that I do not welcome their gratuitous exposure; I am not running for the Top Spot at the Arrowhead 135 to please the gun-toting, tree cutting, oil drilling, far left media circles that dine with the Nancy Peloski/Barney Frank bunch nor do I seek to satisfy Karl Rove and his socialistic-leaning, anti-American, Castro-lovin’, tree-hugging media crowd as well. I am running for the hard working people of America, the most productive, the most humble, the most peaceful, and the most ecological people on this great American-made earth of ours.
Partnering up with Dave Simmons and the rest of the true Red White and Blue Nordaakotah contingency for this upcoming Arrowhead 135, the author promises new faces on the podium. The time is now to throw out the greedy old guard and to look to change, change NOW; yes the American people want CHANGE on the Podium in 2009!!!
The following is a strategic outline of what the American people can expect from me and my Northdaakotah partners as we take on and ultimately defeat the entrenched power-brokers of yesteryears:
This campaign to victory will NOT take any prisoners. We plan to fight viciously, unfairly if need be, and to retain both out-of-work and bitter statesmen Dick Cheney and Bill Clinton as our legal counsel. This campaign to victory with always put country first, and if in order to keep Hockey Moms and their cute little hockey brats safe, we will use water-boarding and even “extra-ordinary rendition” against the competition ( but only on Canadians, Frenchies, bike designers, bike store managers, engineers, and most of all Air-Traffic Controllers). This campaign to victory will employ the latest in American cutting-edge technologies (manufactured in China) in terms of incorporating the best in snow-bike design into our race strategy and ultimate victory. Now even though the author is on record as having taken a solemn public vow to never ride a Clown Bike, this campaign to victory will, but only if conditions warrant it, use a “clown-like” bike with “clown-like” bike features, but only in situations where the circumstances are such that the safety of the American Heartland is at dire risk for attack from a rogue terroristic state (or in the event of fresh unconsolidated snow). Also, it is important to emphasize that the bike that the author may race at the Arrowhead 135 is not a Clown Bike per se as it is not colored “suspect-telle-tubbie purple” but is instead painted gun-metal NRA blue-gray. [Note: Regarding the use of the Clown-like Bike in a seemingly period of relative global peace or sound snow conditions; while it may seem to the American People that they are not in imminent danger, the American people will need to trust that this campaign knows what is best for the American People regarding the use of the Clown-like Bike in the name of national security.] This campaign to victory will also seek to have the Patriot Act expanded to allow for the not-so-noble use of various pharmaceuticals and other “enhancements” in the very noble and honorable effort to dethrone Pramann, Gray, and Calahan…
In sum: Straight talk, pro-America, change at the AH 135 podium, no surrender, country first, save the working people, no Clown-bikes (but a gun-metal gray bike that may slightly resemble a “commie” clown bike), your guns are safe, pro war, pro death penalty, pro-life, pro drilling, and drug use to defeat the axis of evil….