It is with great trepidation that I announce my intention to stay home from the Winter Formal otherwise known as the Arrowhead 135. The preeminent military figure of the twentieth century, General Douglas MacArthur upon his retirement proclaimed, “Old soldiers never die they just fade away” and now I, too, friends will fade away into obscurity far removed from the winter enduro-cycling community. There are my critics that will no doubt point out that several last minute “ringer” additions to the race roster have negated any chance that the author may have had at a top three finish and thus caused him to act the coward and stay home and hide out. There are others that will purport to spread vicious and totally unfounded rumors about the author’s ties to Rod Blagojevich and Bernie Madoff. And still others will set forth Hollywood-esque gossip involving the writer’s propensity for lavishly accumulating shiny carbon bicycle frames and components while his family ekes out a merger existence. Of course all of these accusations are completely without merit.
That Terry Brannick and Mike Curiak have recently decided to enter the race has absolutely no bearing on my decision. The fact that Terry Brannick ALWAYS beats me and the fact that Mike Curiak holds nearly every cycling endurance record in the USA is of no bearing on my fragile, unrealistic, and hyper-sensitive ego. Furthermore, I have never made it a secret that Blago, Bernie, and I are the best of friends, even kindred spirits. I fully support both of them and know in my heart that they have only acted in the best interests of the fine citizenries of the great state of Illinois (the Land of Lincoln) and American investors, respectively. Finally, to somehow equate my farewell to winter cycling with my undeniable fondness for all things carbon is to misrepresent the facts. While it is both true that I currently own five high-end bicycles and that my little girl and wife often go hungry and wear thread-bare clothing; it is a total and outrageous misrepresentation of the facts in that I do not own a single carbon-fiber bicycle frame.
The actual reason for my sudden participation forfeiture of this fine gala affair is two fold: first and foremost is my family. I want to spend more time with my family. Let me repeat—I want to spend more time with the family unit. And secondly my dear friend Dick Cheney, who is now confined to a wheelchair, needs my help moving into his home in Texas.
So I will be staying home from the Arrowhead 135; Godspeed to all those brave souls that will embark from International Falls on their sojourns of truth on next Monday morning. Perhaps on that cold cold Monday night when your legs start to tie up and your guts are all in a terrible muddle as you begin to consider a conversation with the Devil think of old faded C.P.Farrow…I’ll be chillin’ with Dick down in Texas….planning for a full season of fantasy football with GW and Dick…and maybe even getting together with Norm Coleman and doing some serious death & destruction up here in the Northland with a spendy automatic shotgun and a souped up ATV on them grouse and deer and such come fall. Yeah, I am done with the whole silly bike thang…Good riddance!