Thursday, March 26, 2009

A Fresh Start Begins on Tuesday of next week...Expect a change for the better!

In an effort to cleanse myself both physically and meta-physically for the upcoming racing season and to further gain advantage over those that are impure, I have scheduled a colonoscopy for Monday, March 30…
Think gentle, sympathetic thoughts of me as you ride to work on Monday morning for the author will be posed in a compromising position starting around 7:45 am. Given my tempestuous, spirited genes coupled with a propensity for fast bikes, fine stouts, Cuban cigars, and beautiful women I am predisposed towards intestinal polyps and IRS audits. Though a vigorous man far from decline, even still in my prime, on Sunday I begin the "preparations" for my third colonoscopy. So even though I am no rookie to the procedure, it will be a new experience for me as my old colonoscopy-beau has moved on to the greener pastures of Texas (after a little set-back involving a younger women, a sailboat, a shotgun, and a chase scene involving a white Bronco, etc…Let it suffice to say a legal matter of which he was ultimately exonerated). So to be honest, I am a bit like a little school girl going out for her first junior high date— a little anxious, a little nervous, and a little hopeful that it all plays out all right at the end of the evening. I can’t help but to consider things like; what should I wear? Should I rent a Tux? Do I bring a boutonniere? What kind of music will they play over the sound system? What if they play a slow one??? What will we talk about? Does he like Lance? Do I wear my boxers with the red hearts? Is it impolite to ask him how much itz gonna cost me?

In any event, I picked Monday ‘cuz I am using the colonoscopy as a kind of starting point for a personal renaissance going forward. In other words, the colonoscopy represents a tipping-point regarding a concerted effort at forcing a major transitional character shift for the writer with an eye on self-improvement. In years past, I was self-absorbed and condescending. Come Monday afternoon, I will be selfless and amicable. Prior to the colonoscopy, I was Kafkaesque, venomous, and conservative. Hence forth (after scope) I shall become Gandhi-like, benign, and liberal. Before the scope I was bloated and compacted, unwieldy and verbose. After the scope I shall become agile and streamlined, regimented and calculating. Before the scope I was flatulent, conceited, and ethnocentric. Post scope I shall become humble, reticent, and worldly. Pre-scope I was quick to judge, surly, and xenophobic. Once scoped, I shall become tolerant, courteous, and holistic. Look for a new & improved passionate, considerate, and empathetic humanist come Tuesday, March 31, 2009 for on that date I begin anew…

Seriously….if you are in your mid-forties or beyond…keep-in-mind the following--- [and schedule yourself for a colonoscopy...especially if you have a family history]
According to the Center for Disease Control & Prevention
Colorectal cancer is one of the most commonly diagnosed cancers in the U.S. and if detected early, one of the most curable. In 2005 (the most recent year for which statistics are currently available):
72,007 men and 69,398 women were diagnosed with colorectal cancer.
26,781 men and 27,259 women died from colorectal cancer.


  1. We raise our glasses to you this weekend Charlie, Bottoms Up! (sorry, not funny)


    Plenty of "clear fluids" if you're in need for your prep, give a holler.


  2. Thanks for putting the fear of the little flashlight in us.
    I will think of you on Monday as I commute to work with the common stiff wind.
    Hope all goes well friend,

    Sycamore, IL>

  3. Good luck and HAVE FUN!!! As for me, I'm going to let nature run its course...


  4. At my last visit to the scope:
    Me: Dr Nelson, are you wearing your cowboy boots today?
    Dr Nelson: Yes, why do you ask?
    Me: Just hoping we don't have none of that Brokeback Mt stuff going on today.
    Dr Nelson: wtf?

    True story.