Friday, January 22, 2010

The Arrowhead 135: A “How to Win” Guide for the aging, slightly confused, and under-trained cyclist.

Part II: During the actual event:

Disclaimer: The following tactical suggestions will only work if the veteran cyclist has followed all of the recommendations stipulated in Part I (the pre-race section).

• Number #1 rule—Cheat at every opportunity. You are old and feeble and the rest of them are young enough (or fit enough) to be your sons…So cheat!!! Itz your only chance…plus the pros (and the Wall Streeters) all cheat!!!!
• Number #2 rule—Never, ever lead out, but also never lose contact with the lead group. Do what ever it takes to slow the pace of the lead pack.
• Number #3 rule: Every twenty to thirty minutes scream at the top of your lungs, “Pierre Pierre, Tous les autres trichent!!!”
• Number #4 rule: Make sure to have laid the groundwork (including slurred speech, erratic behaviors, and jerky hand and leg gestures) during the pre-race warm-up. You want the youthful ones well aware of your advanced age and propensity for dementia. That way you cannot be held liable for any transgressions. Have a fake memo affixed to your lapel that sez something like, “If lost, please return to Duluth, MN.”
• Number #5 rule: At the start area accidentally “stumble” onto the spokes of one of the favorite’s rear wheel.
• Number #6 rule: Once the gun goes off; Shamelessly pull off the leaders...try for about fourth position and don’t move.
• Number #7 rule: Early on feign heart attack to slow pace of the group and swerve into a top rider, try for the spokes of his bike.
• Number #8 rule: About ninety minutes into it, feign stroke to slow pace of the group. Again try to hit a top rider’s spokes.
• Number #9 rule: Encourage any and all misunderstandings/rumors regarding route finding. If leaders take wrong turn, feign diverticulitis and let them ride on without you. Wait for first chase group and ride in fourth position. Do not lead, only draft.
• Number #10 rule: Continue to reassure the non-snow bike community that the trail will hardened up and greatly improve at any minute…
• Number #11 rule: Two hours into it, feign snow-blindness to slow pace of the group.
• Number #12 rule: Continually and publicly promote the notion that Andre’s fancy-pants Ti Clown-bike has a crack in the BB weld.
• Number #13 rule: Cry crocodile tears when trail turns to mash potatoes and the non-snow bike community implodes and degenerates into violent anarchy. Ravage and/or loot any useful supplies from this doomed community.
• Number #14 rule: Three hours into it, feign incontinence to slow pace of group.
• Number #15 rule: Steal rear red-blinkers from Pramann’s bike at a tactically appropriate moment. Try to do so before the first check-in at the Gateway store.
• Number #16 rule: If #15 is successful, at the Gateway check-in demand Pramann’s disqualification due to lack of adequate rear blinker on bike; a clear violation of race rules. Bring AH Rule Book to bolster your argument for DQ.
• Number #17 rule: Feign severe depression to group over Pramann’s disqualification, try to slow pace by swerving into leader’s spokes.
• Number #18 rule: If number #15 rule fails, attempt at half-way cabin check-in. Note: Attempt to steal all lights from rival's bikes while others are in the half-way cabin.
• Number #19 rule: Attempt to get group to pause and dismount in a minute of reverence for the fallen Pramann. While rivals’ heads are bowed attempt to dismantle/sabotage lead rider’s rear derailleur.
• Number #20 rule: Apply frequently for divine intervention. Pray for others to experience catastrophic equipment failures.
• Number #21 rule: Attempt to confuse Lindsay at every opportunity.
• Number #22 rule: Frequently, after the half-way point, feign concern over rivals’ frost bit facial features. “Dear Sir, your nose is ghastly white…I fear that you are in the advanced stages of frost bite. Is continuing worth permanent mutilation and disfigurement?”
• Number #23 rule: Reinforce the idea that the wolf packs seek out and attack fast moving solo riders. Encourage bivouac at Tee Pee.
• Number #24 rule: At the finish line within ear-shot of the throngs of fans, scream with all your might, “Pierre Pierre, Tous les autres trichent!!!”

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