Wednesday, January 20, 2010

How to WIN at the Arrowhead 135

Back by popular demand with new and improved tips that will make your Arrowhead 135 experience one that you shall never, ever forget…

Arrowhead 135 to-do list (Part I): Pre-race considerations-

Plan out hairdo. Experiment with cut, style, and color but without commitment. Commit two weeks out to allow for mellowing of color (be careful of too much gray cover-up).
Practice with meaning, conviction, and desperation: “Pierre, je me gèle!”
Bikini wax. It hurts but itz worth it...
Consider lumbar and endoscopic thoracic sympathectomies (cuts down on sweaty feet and hands resulting in warmer appendages). Check for good deals; what with it being the Great Depression and all…cosmetic docs will work with you…
Suck up to the snowmobile volunteers at pre-race meeting. Offer whiskey and cigs, bring the cheap generic stuff...
Have remaining toes, pinkies, and privates removed (remember to insulate catheter)
Order boutonnieres for Cheryl, Pierre, and the Gear Nazi.
Bring extra duct tape and hits of Sudafed.
Wear extra extra large Carhartt Men’s Extremes® Coverall / Arctic Quilt-Lined bibs, sure they weigh a little more than those skippy fancy-pants that the posers all buy “online” from Craft, but these bad boyz hold up no matter what the conditions. For real men only.
Check with Lance Andre (not Armstrong) about the reliability and price of The Original Whizzinator.
Attend support group for cyclists repeatedly beaten by Dave Praman.
Attend support group for those that survived a stay in the Tee pee.
For the camelbak, add one shot of quality Irish whiskey to each liter of water (make that two shots of quality Irish whiskey added to each pint of water).
Bring salty wieners and sour-kraut for a shot at Gear Nazi appeasement.
Shave legs, pluck eye brows, have upper lip waxed. Pluck hair from back mole. Clip ear and nose hair.
Make sure all major sponsor logos are prominently displayed during pre and post race press conferences.
Have breath-fresheners at the ready during the awards ceremony for when the beautiful podium girls divvy out the kisses…
Load up on E.P.O. and that stuff that Mennonite guy used to win the Tour a few years back...
Ask for drug testing of top runner and skier as it calls attention away from the bikers. Plant a few hits of EPO in Maxwell's ski bag.
Make hair, nails, and makeup appointments (ask for discount on nails as few nails remain on hands and none on feet). Go with a bright, cheerful color.
If Blue Shield/Blue Cross will pay for it, go for the removal of all that heavy gray matter except the primitive or instinctual part of the brain. The amygdala, the primitive part of the brain, responsible for gut reactions, including fear and aggressive behaviors, versus areas like the frontal cortex, which develops later and helps us control our emotions and cognition. So get rid of all of it ‘cept that amygdala thingy, saves weight and makes the race seems “normal.” Check around for the best deal.
Whiten remaining teeth for that perfect Arrowhead smile. Bring ample breath-fresheners on-trail in case of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Repeat practice with meaning, conviction, and desperation: “Pierre, je me gèle!”
Check on cost of quick “tummy tuck” (abdominoplasty), again maybe cheaper than ya think. Go with the psuedo-testosterone injections or try for new patch...take double the recommended dose...
Add a smidgen of vodka to the hammer gel flask (make that— add a smidge of hammer gel to the vodka flask).
Go tanning, no lines…
Practice victory celebration, stay conservative and yet convey jubilation. Practice snubbing the boyz from Rochester.
Start vicious and scandalous rumors about both Dave Gray’s and Dave Praman’s past. The juicier the better, try to include accusations involving public restrooms at the Minneapolis airport and/or association with terrorists.
Start vicious and scandalous rumors about the Alaskans…use the word “jihadists.” Start rumors about Terry Brannick and how he has never been photographed with Bernie Madoff.
Pick up prom dress. Go ahead and try it on! Go provocative, yet with highlights of enigmatic innocence. Show a little skin…especially at the pre-race festivities. You may need to get alterations so be prepared to spend a little cash for that perfect fit.
Arrive to the pre-race meeting in style and make everyone (especially those goofy runners) green with envy. Treat rivals with feigned sincerity. Make a big deal about Lance’s Ti machine, etc.
Suck up to the Alaskans, especially the veteran Oatkley. Comment on his obvious intellect. Attempt to confuse the younger Bassinger...give false information about starting time, etc. Hide Gauld's false teeth. Hide Pramann's meds.
Don’t forget to practice with meaning, conviction, and desperation: “Pierre, je me gèle!”
Use only high-end Scandinavian sounding brand-name clothing during interactions with rivals, but when race starts be clad in full-on Carhartt
Bring birth control.
Practice North Dakota dialect, things like “you betcha.”
Adjust living will to donate any important frozen organs or limbs to the Cryogenics department at the University of Minnesota. Have wife insist on a plaque in return.
Under no circumstances…repeat…Do not agree to drug testing.
Practice poise, modesty, and humility in victory.
Remember to hold bicycle over head in victory, stay calm as podium girls kiss cheek.
Bring Cheryl and Pierre day-old baguettes from Great Harvest (day-olds are cheap and they will never know the difference).
Practice bitterness, excuse-making, and victimization in defeat. Retain Lawyer in the event of defeat.
Blame defeat on equipment and the race organizers and dopers.

Stay tuned to Part II...During the race....