Below is the greatly anticipated and long long overdue document:
The List of MOST Honorable & IMPRESSIVE CYCLING EFFORTS of 2011 within the author’s myopic worldview…[I’ve had time to work on it this week as I hurt my lower-back chasing the man-dog last Sunday, thus no Ragnorak for me, so sad…]
Disclaimer: In anticipation of the deluge of criticism the author will inevitably receive from those not selected, their parents, and agents—a quick note on the selection process…In order of importance—Primary factors that influence the selection process are: 1.) the racer’s age; 2.) the racer’s political ideology; 3.) Super PAC funding and special interest affiliations associated with the racer; 4.) the racer’s view on the ObamaCare policy of funding the distribution of a new highly potent strain of EPO to promising young cyclists; 5.) the racer’s stance on creationism versus intelligent design versus evolutionary science, and 6.) the racer’s view on Barack Obama’s "claimed" US citizenship. Also, the List tends to reward longevity in the sport. The fact of the matter is that the longer one stays in the sport the more likely he/she will be drawn into the longer, more obscure events. Veteran riders are drawn to events that provide more race time for the buck and time commitment for obvious reasons. The author was born with very few fast-twitch muscles and with decades of ingesting fermented barley products all those fast-twitch muscles have been converted to very very slow-twitchy muscles.
Important note: If you don't like the List or if you feel like you were left off the List unfairly or unjustly, send the author a case of Bell's Hopslam Ale with a note and he will get back to you ASAP. Chances are that if the author receives the Bell’s product, he will find a spot for you on THE LIST. Otherwise, if you are too young, thatz your fault (under 40). Get older fast…People under 40 are not generally considered because they are just too young. Young people are suppose to be fast and fit...so fast guyz that are young are not all that impressive...
Most Impressive Overall 2011 Results: Winners- Jason Buffington wins both the Royal 162 and the Tuscobia 150 and places second in the Arrowhead 135. Jim Bell wins the Almanzo and the Dirty Benjamin…then goes on to win the overall Minnesota Gravel Road Series.
Most Impressive Snow Race Season for 2011: Jeff Oatley wins the Arrowhead in near record time. The last two Arrowheads’ have been dominated by the Alaskans. These guyz are Men…Then Oatley takes 2nd place to the youth, Pete Bassinger at the Alaskan Invitational in a most impressive time of 3 days 6 hours 55 minutes
Most Impressive display of what the Finns call “Sisu.”: Jason Novak stops during the 200 mile Dairyland Dare and provides assistance to a badly injured rider. After getting the fallen rider into an ambulance, Novak jumps back on his ride and finishes the race. “Sisu.”
Most Impressive Gravel Road Race Effort; Winner of the 2010 Trans-Iowa, Dennis Grelk. Grelk is a little young to make the list, but it was such a great effort... Grelk asked permission to ride away and then apologized to the lead group that he was riding with, “Hey guyz do you mind if I up the pace a bit?” The others nodded approval as they quietly wept. Runner up: Tim Ek finishes second even after wet-nursing an old man…amazing!
Most Impressive Multi-day Race Effort; Winner- Lindsay Gauld in the abbreviated Trans-Wisconsin. The aged iconic Canadian enduro-man was aided by a bar full of motorcycle gangs…
Most Impressive Effort in a Mountain Bike Race under Three hours: 47 yr old all-around-good guy, Scott Cole’s 28th place finish (2:15) in the Chequamegon 40…Huge effort by a guy that just keep putting it out there year after year…a true inspiration.
Most Impressive 12 hour mtb race effort: Tim Ek wins the super hard Underground at the Thunderdown. Probably the most difficult race course in the Midwest.
Most Impressive 24 hour mtb race effort: Ron Stawicki’s amazing effort at the 24 Hours @ 9 Mile. Stawicki continues to be one of the strongest riders in the Midwest.
Most Impressive and Generous Race Director; Winner- Tim Roe for putting on the Tuscobia 150.
Best organized race and coolest race mementos: Dave and Mary Praman for their outstanding work in the Arrowhead 135. The hats given to each racer were sooo cool.
*Most impressive non-cycling performance of 2011 (sledge-haulers included, runners and triathletes excluded, although an aged elementary teacher from Esko School may one day in the foreseeable future make the list in an effort to sooth his tormented soul, such is the sadness of the long-distance runner, so so sad); Winner- Jeremy Kershaw finishes in second place to the enduro-stud John Storkamp @ the Arrowhead. Storkamp doesn’t make the list cuz hez just too young.
Most Generous Act of 2011: Winner-The generous guy that gave the pathetic old man that finished 4th last April in the Trans-Iowa, a cold beer at the end of the Trans-Iowa.
Disclaimer: In anticipation of the deluge of criticism the author will inevitably receive from those not selected, their parents, and agents—a quick note on the selection process…In order of importance—Primary factors that influence the selection process are: 1.) the racer’s age; 2.) the racer’s political ideology; 3.) Super PAC funding and special interest affiliations associated with the racer; 4.) the racer’s view on the ObamaCare policy of funding the distribution of a new highly potent strain of EPO to promising young cyclists; 5.) the racer’s stance on creationism versus intelligent design versus evolutionary science, and 6.) the racer’s view on Barack Obama’s "claimed" US citizenship. Also, the List tends to reward longevity in the sport. The fact of the matter is that the longer one stays in the sport the more likely he/she will be drawn into the longer, more obscure events. Veteran riders are drawn to events that provide more race time for the buck and time commitment for obvious reasons. The author was born with very few fast-twitch muscles and with decades of ingesting fermented barley products all those fast-twitch muscles have been converted to very very slow-twitchy muscles.
Important note: If you don't like the List or if you feel like you were left off the List unfairly or unjustly, send the author a case of Bell's Hopslam Ale with a note and he will get back to you ASAP. Chances are that if the author receives the Bell’s product, he will find a spot for you on THE LIST. Otherwise, if you are too young, thatz your fault (under 40). Get older fast…People under 40 are not generally considered because they are just too young. Young people are suppose to be fast and fit...so fast guyz that are young are not all that impressive...
Most Impressive Overall 2011 Results: Winners- Jason Buffington wins both the Royal 162 and the Tuscobia 150 and places second in the Arrowhead 135. Jim Bell wins the Almanzo and the Dirty Benjamin…then goes on to win the overall Minnesota Gravel Road Series.
Most Impressive Snow Race Season for 2011: Jeff Oatley wins the Arrowhead in near record time. The last two Arrowheads’ have been dominated by the Alaskans. These guyz are Men…Then Oatley takes 2nd place to the youth, Pete Bassinger at the Alaskan Invitational in a most impressive time of 3 days 6 hours 55 minutes
Most Impressive display of what the Finns call “Sisu.”: Jason Novak stops during the 200 mile Dairyland Dare and provides assistance to a badly injured rider. After getting the fallen rider into an ambulance, Novak jumps back on his ride and finishes the race. “Sisu.”
Most Impressive Gravel Road Race Effort; Winner of the 2010 Trans-Iowa, Dennis Grelk. Grelk is a little young to make the list, but it was such a great effort... Grelk asked permission to ride away and then apologized to the lead group that he was riding with, “Hey guyz do you mind if I up the pace a bit?” The others nodded approval as they quietly wept. Runner up: Tim Ek finishes second even after wet-nursing an old man…amazing!
Most Impressive Multi-day Race Effort; Winner- Lindsay Gauld in the abbreviated Trans-Wisconsin. The aged iconic Canadian enduro-man was aided by a bar full of motorcycle gangs…
Most Impressive Effort in a Mountain Bike Race under Three hours: 47 yr old all-around-good guy, Scott Cole’s 28th place finish (2:15) in the Chequamegon 40…Huge effort by a guy that just keep putting it out there year after year…a true inspiration.
Most Impressive 12 hour mtb race effort: Tim Ek wins the super hard Underground at the Thunderdown. Probably the most difficult race course in the Midwest.
Most Impressive 24 hour mtb race effort: Ron Stawicki’s amazing effort at the 24 Hours @ 9 Mile. Stawicki continues to be one of the strongest riders in the Midwest.
Most Impressive and Generous Race Director; Winner- Tim Roe for putting on the Tuscobia 150.
Best organized race and coolest race mementos: Dave and Mary Praman for their outstanding work in the Arrowhead 135. The hats given to each racer were sooo cool.
*Most impressive non-cycling performance of 2011 (sledge-haulers included, runners and triathletes excluded, although an aged elementary teacher from Esko School may one day in the foreseeable future make the list in an effort to sooth his tormented soul, such is the sadness of the long-distance runner, so so sad); Winner- Jeremy Kershaw finishes in second place to the enduro-stud John Storkamp @ the Arrowhead. Storkamp doesn’t make the list cuz hez just too young.
Most Generous Act of 2011: Winner-The generous guy that gave the pathetic old man that finished 4th last April in the Trans-Iowa, a cold beer at the end of the Trans-Iowa.
Best Beer and Pizza Joint for dirty cyclists: Thirsty Pagan in Superior, Wisconsin.
Company most in-tune with the needs of the DBD Adventure Society; Winner-Brave Soldier Cycling Lube; Runner up-Those little Five Hour Energy Shotz and Nut Goody Bars
Nicest guyz in the snow and gravel pelotons: Winners-Lindsay Gauld, Jim Palmer, Bill Shand, Jim Reed, Ari, the Braun Brothers, Chris Finch, Pat White, John Kurth, Dave Simons, Jason Novak, Dave Gray, Greg Ames, Pat Long, Jason Giddings, Chuck Linder, Nick Wethington, Troy Kruse, Mike Dietzman, Rich Hendricks, Drew Wilson, Tim Andrews, Todd McFadden, Adam Blake, Ben Shockey, John Hatcher, Eric Peterson, Rich Hendricks, Mike Haag, Todd McFadden, Shawn Miller, Ben Doom, Charlie Tri, Dan Dittmer, Rhett Bonner...
Funniest guyz in the Peloton: Winner-Josh Peterson; Runner-up: Hollywood Henderson @ the Dirty Benjamin
Company most in-tune with the needs of the DBD Adventure Society; Winner-Brave Soldier Cycling Lube; Runner up-Those little Five Hour Energy Shotz and Nut Goody Bars
Nicest guyz in the snow and gravel pelotons: Winners-Lindsay Gauld, Jim Palmer, Bill Shand, Jim Reed, Ari, the Braun Brothers, Chris Finch, Pat White, John Kurth, Dave Simons, Jason Novak, Dave Gray, Greg Ames, Pat Long, Jason Giddings, Chuck Linder, Nick Wethington, Troy Kruse, Mike Dietzman, Rich Hendricks, Drew Wilson, Tim Andrews, Todd McFadden, Adam Blake, Ben Shockey, John Hatcher, Eric Peterson, Rich Hendricks, Mike Haag, Todd McFadden, Shawn Miller, Ben Doom, Charlie Tri, Dan Dittmer, Rhett Bonner...
Funniest guyz in the Peloton: Winner-Josh Peterson; Runner-up: Hollywood Henderson @ the Dirty Benjamin
Best at articulating the mystery behind finishing the Trans-Iowa: Ben Shockey
Most Controversial Man-servant of 2011: Winner-Andy Lockery’s handling of Mr. Gauld at the AH 135…sets Gauld up for 2012 Alaskan Invitational with faulty equipment?
Good Samaritan Award: Tim Roe’s mother….most nicest folks ever...
Most Controversial Man-servant of 2011: Winner-Andy Lockery’s handling of Mr. Gauld at the AH 135…sets Gauld up for 2012 Alaskan Invitational with faulty equipment?
Good Samaritan Award: Tim Roe’s mother….most nicest folks ever...
Visionary Awards: Guitar Ted of the Trans-Iowa...and Chris Skogen of the Almanzo
Best Bike Shop: The Ski Hut in Duluth, MN...The Epicenter of Cycling...
Most Active "Can-do" Bike Club: COGGS of the Northland.
Most Secretive Cycling Society: The Slender Fungus
Most Covert and Misunderstood Adventure Society: The D.B.D.A.S.
Best Bike Shop: The Ski Hut in Duluth, MN...The Epicenter of Cycling...
Most Active "Can-do" Bike Club: COGGS of the Northland.
Most Secretive Cycling Society: The Slender Fungus
Most Covert and Misunderstood Adventure Society: The D.B.D.A.S.
*Note: This secondary award is not entered into the official annuls of the DBDAS History
bravo Charlie! Saved it for Friday the 13th for good juju.
ReplyDeleteI have bowed to the lowest position my creaky back offers and feel honored to have made your impressive list. The Slender Fungus will continue to always have the best friendship with the DBD. See you very soon on the never-ending rollers of the Grand State of Iowa.
ReplyDeleteAri
A true honor...see you in Grinnell, Rochester, Chequamegon, and hopefully Duluth this year.
ReplyDelete- Cookie
CF a no show at Ragnarok? Rumor has it you've been injured because your dog tried to kill you. Any truth to that? If so, get well soon.
ReplyDeleteMost humbling. A true Honor. No words can suffice to exclaim my feelings for being on "The List". Thank You...
ReplyDeleteDear Friends: It is true that Loki, the man dog, was indirectly involved in an incident in which my lower back was injured causing me to miss the classic Ragnorak. The good news is that I have consulted a local Shaman and under his care and with the ingestion of copious fermented grain liquids I should be able to battle the Demons that await us in Iowa...
ReplyDeleteBest Regards,
C