Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Special report

Associated Press Special Report:

Reports surfaced late Sunday afternoon that one of the Northland's most endearing treasures has gone missing, Sir Eki of enduro-cycling fame. A frantic call was placed to the Duluth Police Department by new inductee to the prestigious, albeit highly secretive DBD Adventure Club, Eki's wife Amy. She stated that he disappeared out of their modest Piedmont Heights abode shortly after she witnessed him reading an email placed by Farrow, a rogue local cyclist of suspect character. Heck of the North Race Director, Jeremy Kershaw via telephone after the inaugural event was held, in which both Eki and Farrow were knocked out of the competition, commented. "We were all saddened and disappointed when word spread that Eki was knocked out of the race due to an unforeseen catastrophic mechanical failure. He was riding so strong and seemed to be a player in controlling the pace of the super strong break away group." However, Kershaw did not feel that way with Farrow's DNF. "I'm however most disappointed with Farrow. He (Farrow) continues to confound us as he throws around DBD guidelines based on his own whims. Apparently, he left the course with an operable bike in order to ride home. We can't figure out why he DQ'd himself, why didn't he just ride out the course? This is clearly in violation of DBD contractual agreements," stated an obviously upset Kershaw.

Authorities confiscated the computer Eki was last seen using, it was there that an I.T. staff were able to recover a partial email (encrypted) sent by Farrow, clearly encouraging Eki to end it all in some kind of cultish suicide pact involving a roguish group calling itself "The DBD." It seems that Farrow's DBD group may be in fact a splinter group or reflective of a schism that has occured within the famous DBD Adventure Club. Contents of this email included false quotes from the famous Sir George Mallory instructing Eki to end his shame and to "do the right thing.” Amy was inconsolable as she was lead away from her home for a short stay in Miller Dwan's Mental Health Unit. She was reportedly heard to be screaming obscenities about Farrow and how she wouldn't quit until the truth was known. Neighbors stated that it reminded them of Angelina Jolie in the block buster Changeling.

Here is what is currently known: At approximately 4 a.m. Monday, September 28th, a black Specialized Tri Cross with Ritchy Speedmax tires was found without a chain near Grain Elevator #5 located in the Duluth harbor area. The bike was positively identified by those close to Eki as the machine that lead him to several top finishes throughout the 2009 season. There was no evidence of foul play and authorities suspect that the athlete may have left the shoreline under his own recognizance.

Mallory, contacted via telegraph at DBD headquarters somewhere in the Himalaya, had this to say; "We at DBD wish nothing but the best for his wife and are honored to have her with us now. Also, we will spin the prayer wheels daily until our beloved Eki returns home to us. It is our hope that he simply hopped on a Great Lakes vessel and will be discovered shortly as a deck hand on the GOTT. Or maybe turn up here on the Tibetan Plateau for a brief respite and a bit of scotch and a good pipe smoke. As for Farrow, I guess I should have known. He has consistently disappointed us and we at headquarters have not ruled out foul play. This act will haunt Farrow for the rest of his days, he cut Eki's rope, we can't forgive him for that, this time he has gone too far. We suspect that that Buffington character may also be involved as he had a grudge against EKI as well."

Duluth Police chief commented that this investigation remains open and ongoing. "We are currently dragging the Duluth harbor and any news on Farrow's whereabouts would be greatly appreciated. We will not rest until Eki is back on his bike and his good name is re-established among the DBD'ers. Long live Sir Eki."

Note: AP was not able to substantiate the authenticity of the Mallory communiqué or the claim that Ms. Ek has been named as a member of the DBD Club.


  1. My fingernails are all chewed off, I just must know what DBD stands for... The last drop has been drunk and I can not sleep until I know.. Plz help. Signed, desperate in MN

  2. It stands for "Duluthians Breakin' Da Rules"! You can see Mr. Farrow caught in the act on the photographer, Chris Gibbs, picture site. I will be submitting pictures MG_0332 through MG_0335 to the proper authorities. That is unless you had that pump stuffed down your shorts Charlie :)

  3. I think I'll call Fox News...they'll get to the bottom of this.

  4. Try calling Eki at work. I saw him at least twice this week riding his bike to work.