Lock up your daughters...stay home and watch golf on TV this weekend...

As rival gang moves in to the area, authorities wary of turf war, containing local cyclist may be key to successful (and safe) weekend…
[source: local newspaper]

Just as the Hells Angels settle into Carlton County for the week, a rival gang called the Outlaws shows up across the state border. The Outlaws claim Wisconsin as their territory, while the Hells Angels say Minnesota belongs to them. Adding to concerns is the presence of a local amateur bicycler claiming the Duluth area as his turf. The local cyclist warned, "I ain't gonna go looking fer trouble, but if they enter my turf, WATCH OUT!" Local law enforcement leaders caution, “If the Hell’s Angels and/or the Outlaws were to enter this man’s turf…Well, let’s just say we don’t want that to happen, but if it does, we should be ready.” The comprehensive security strategy involving several law enforcement agencies is to keep the three groups separate. "Boyz will be boyz, so if we can just keep these groups in separate locales with enough tacky bars and tattoo parlors to go around, we should be okay, plus they spend lots of money, so thatz good for the country. The wife, me, and da kids, we're just gonna draw the shades, and stay home for the week...we have a new TV the size of a garage door with 659 channels and surround sound audio, so we are good to go," exclaimed a local politician, who asked that his name not be included for security reasons.

The Hell’s Angels and the Outlaws are weighty middle-aged groups of special-needs felons; mostly white guyz clad in leather jackets that ride upon very very loud motorcycles with very very high handlebars. In contrast, the aging bicycler, who suffers from dementia, rides either a green or orange steel bicycle and wears tight fitting lycra that is hard on the eyes. All three groups are known for settling their conflicts with violence and/or consuming massive amounts of fast foods or both. NOTE: Local citizens are encouraged to lock up their daughters, pull down the curtains, and watch TV "reality shows" for the remainer of the week...